The Penn Jillette Radio Show April 28, 2006

– Check out the official website for lots of goodies: Mike Jones audio, pictures of Penn and Goudeau, and also some fan-submitted artwork.

Renee French, author of “The Ticking”: Apparently geese will fight for the gauvage feeding. The “alpha” goose will fight to be first, and will not leave until he is absolutely stuffed.

– Penn had an apartment in NY (the “Pennderosa”), which seems to be a great place to get laid. Renee French and her husband consumated their relationship there, and so did Goudeau and his wife. And Penn made out OK with the ladies there, as well.

– Financial advice from Penn: If you don’t need to sell something in real estate, put it up for way too much money. If it sells, you’re laughing.

– If you are against animals suffering to feed people, then you must become a vegan. You can’t be against KFC but still eat free-range chickens.

– Suffering is different for animals than for humans: the idea of pain continuing can be just as bad as the immediate pain.

– Today is Health Friday! (sorry, no fancy theme song)

– Zolton Penn Jillette will be born within a month. And if Penn and EZ (his wife) have anything to do with it, his penis will remain intact.

– 2:11pm –

Not again! My feed has gone dead, and then on to ads. YARG! Two days in a row, this is annoying.

– 2:13pm OK, it’s back –

– Even if you are a believer in creationism, you can still watch Bulls Hit, and still learn something.

A new circumcision study from South Africa. Apparently circumcision helps to abade the spread of AIDS. If only there was a way to cut down the spread of AIDS without scarring your body! Perhaps condoms?

– 2:19pm BREAK –

– Kathie Lee Gifford is not a fan of Penn’s, and him making a joke about OJ Simpson doesn’t help.

Improved nutrition has increased breast sizes in China.

A man in China received a face transplant after being mauled by a bear. Actually, the guy was chasing the bear around with a stick. Goudeau has chased black bears away from his picnic basket, and still has his original face.

– Mark Wheeler, a friend of Penn’s (the one who was thrown out of the Brittney Spears concert as a suspected child molester) American Geological Survey guy. When surveying, groups must keep talking and singing to scare away bears. They do have a .44 Magnum though, so that’s not too bad. Wheeler says that when a bear is coming at you, you point the gun at the bear’s heart, and must talk to it. They tell you to memorize something, and he had asked Penn what he should say. Penn decided that he should memorize the famous quote from Dirty Harry.

– A caller from NJ: He was circumcised by his choice in High School. He did it because he felt uncomfortable showering with other guys, as his penis was different, so he decided to have it done. After the initial pain, he hasn’t had any problems with it, and is happy he had it done. The ladies seem to enjoy it too.

– 2:35pm BREAK –

– Call from Chris: She works for a urologist, who does a lots of circumcisions of young and older adults. She maintains that it is a cleanliness thing. And also believes that there is no loss of sensitivity due to scarring.

– Adrien on the phone (not a girl): He’s not circumcised, and loves it. Lots of the girls he’s been with enjoy it, and he enjoys keeping himself clean *down there*.

– gmail from Megan: “Foie Gras and Foreskin” She will be coming to Vegas soon for her birthday, and would like to eat foie gras with Penn and Mike. Oh yeah, she’s a vegetarian, but would be willing to sell her soul for supper with them. She is training to be nursing assistant, and is now obsessed with foreskin. She wanted to know if it’s OK to ask a guy if he has his foreskin intact. Penn says sure, but you’re probably going to get a “yes” no matter what!

– 2:54pm END –

The Penn Jillette Radio Show April 27, 2006

– It’s going to be a rough day, because it’s about Foie Gras, and Penn can’t pronounce it. Even though he had 4 years of French.

Foie Gras is banned in Chicago

Foie Gras = Fat Liver. They use force-feeding to fatten up the liver of geese.

– “Fatwah Gras” – Goudeau

– Penn has a duck in his show, named Lord Duckly II (the original Lord Duckly was sent back to Mr. Burton), maybe they can force feed him…

– Foie Gras is really horrible, but so is eating regular animals.

– In Vegas, there are plenty of places that sell Foie Gras. Including a place at the Rio, so you can see the P&T; show, and then eat some fatty liver.

– Penn asked Ron Jeremy how much it would cost to have him take out his member and put it in the chocolate dessert. Normally, it would be $5, but because it was at Le Cirque, it would be about $15,000.

– Maybe they should set up a website for people from Chicago to register and go to Vegas and eat foie gras. Would CBS foot the bill?

– Goudeau wants to start smuggling foie gras into Chicago, Penn doesn’t think it’s such a great idea to announce that on the radio.

– If ducks could talk, they might say they’d rather work in a Vegas show, than live in the wild, and have to worry about predators. And maybe it’s the same with geese, who would rather get fat, and be lazy, than have to worry about predators. Sort of like Penn settling down in Vegas.

– 2:20pm BREAK –

– Even though it’s not Monkey Tuesday!, Penn

– Jimmy Kimmel did a story on David Copperfield’s run in with robbers: they got away, but they had sketches of the robbers, they were Penn & Teller

Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt are interested in starring together in Ayn Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged”.

– Kirk + Bananas = Proof of god? I’m not convinced. Angelina’s ass, however, is more convincing.

– Call from Line 4: *nothing* New York sucks. Just call the pizza guy.

– Marty on the phone: Does Cheney hunt geese with foie gras? A popular bumper sticker in Colorado: “I’d rather go hunting with Cheney, than driving with Kennedy” Also, Cheney got $2M back on his return, what a nice loan to the government.

– Yarg! My feed went prematurely into an ad. Stupid people in New York and/or Baltimore. OK, back after 45 seconds. Hope I didn’t miss much.

– a gmail about yesterday’s gmail about the draft: The gmailer joined the Marines and is against the draft. It’s not for everyone, it should not be mandatory. He did not sign up for the draft when required to back in 1996 (he was already enlisted), and he has had nothing happen.

– Another gmail: After registering for the draft at his nearby office in New England, the gmailer got a great shot of some woman’s ass, so that’s a pretty strong argument to sign up for the draft.

– 2:36pm BREAK –

– “Where is the outrage in Chicago about the foie gras?” – Penn

– You’d think Steve Dahl would be up in arms…

– via gmail: Foie gras is not a cruelty thing, it’s a patriotic thing. It should be called “Freedom liver”

– Elise from Chicago: She’s a vegetarian, and not really for the ban. Animals that are raised for food are treated really bad, not just foie gras geese. She’d rather that all animals be treated humanely. She’s mainly against caging and branding. But she has tattoos. Including one she can’t mention. It’s a four-leafed clover, as in “If you can see this, you are lucky”.

– Mark in Chicago: He has a tattoo of foie gras across his chest. If you eat at Micromina (have I got that right?) in Vegas, they give you a whole wack of it. And it’s just so much that it ends up tasting like … liver.

– Call on line 3 about the draft: The country gives us so much, but all she asks is some taxes, and signing up for the draft. He’s done it, but hopes to heck that there won’t be a war.

– 2:55pm END –

The Penn Jillette Radio Show April 26, 2006

– Forget reading the paper, just read the gmails to see what the important stories of the day are!

– Penn & David Copperfield are not dating… Penn is addicted to being a dick to David Copperfield.

Tod Robbins was asked to do the Lennon seance…

– Bill Clinton isn’t a great liar, but he is a slimebag. “I didn’t inhale”

– “Buy some more tie-dye, you hippie!” – Penn when offered some pot.

– Penn would throw Goudeau in front of a bus, or take a scalpel to his nose for a joke.

David Copperfield tricks some robbers in Florida

– 2:20pm BREAK –

– During the break, Penn decided the reboot his computer, and lost all of his notes. Including the phone number for the show.

Gilbert Gottfried is the most unsexy man in America. Yet, for some reason, his girlfriend Daryl is really proud of him. Could it be because he’s rich?

– “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.” – Verbal Kint.

A Canadian man was hit by a speeding train, while walking along the tracks “Holy crap, dude!”

– Tomorrow is “Bring your kid to work day”. Goudeau’s kids will be in school, but Moxie might make an appearance on the radio show, or at the P&T; show at the Rio.

– 2:34pm BREAK –

M?tley Cr?e = Mertley Crew-e (an umlaut is pronounced as “ur”)

– Gmail from Keith: He’s got 16 days left to sign up for the draft. He doesn’t want to do it, as an atheist, is his life more important to him? He’s also a “bit of a pacifist”. “My quality of life is an important to me as sticking to my principles”

– Wasn’t Fahrenheit 9/11 a pro-draft movie? Complaints that only poor, underprivileged people were enrolling, and no rich people were fighting?

– Call from Richard: 1983 is when Selective Service System was instated, requiring young *men* to sign up for the SSS.

– Someone who worked on the John Lennon “Imagine” movie also works on Bulls Hit. After they had said they were more popular than jesus christ, the Beatles were forced to do some serious backpedaling. But having thousands of your records burned and destroyed isn’t too bad, seeing as people have to buy them first, thus putting extra cash in your pocket. Please! Buy Seasons One and Two of Bulls Hit, and burn them in the streets!

– The ratings for Bulls Hit are better than ever this season. Last week’s show was the second most popular show for the week, second only to “the passion of the christ”.

– “Christ you know it ain’t easy, you know how hard it can be/The way things are going, they’re going to crucify me ” – The Ballad of John & Yoko

– 2:54pm END –

The Penn Jillette Radio Show April 25, 2006

– Big Tuesday, but not Monkey Tuesday!

– Garrett is in the studio, talking about John Lennon’s supposed seance. He had also been to the P&T; show at the Rio last night, had a tour of the Slammer, and enjoyed a few donuts.

– Joining Garrett in the studio is “Junior” Jeff Welch. He watched the seance too.

– In reference to the Kirk Cameron vs. the banana: There were lots of gmailed suggestions as to what else could fir perfectly into Kirk’s hand, ad had the correct curve to it, and fit into his mouth… Oh, and what about pineapples? Or coconuts? And, the bananas that people eat are actually genetically engineered, and don’t grow in the wild (they are sterile, hence no seeds in the bananas we eat).

– After watching the video, it’s not much of a stretch to believe that Kirk Cameron is actually an atheist, seeing how much he ridicules the idea of creationism.

– OK, onward and upward: the Lennon seance. It was done by the same people who did the Lady Di seance.

– Before the seance began, they showed a black screen with the words “For entertainment purposes only”. Sadly, they didn’t even deliver that.

– They tried to gain credibility by having a British narrator.

– In the first part: Some guy was walking around with his arms out, “feeling” John. He visited a bunch of places that John had been (Liverpool, New York).

Joe Power was the “feely” guy.

– “The George Harrison Effect”: Penn was pitching a skeptic show, but the network execs said that people are too stupid, just look at the popularity of John Edward’s show “Crossing Over”. In the movie “Hard Day’s Night”, George speaks with some executives, and they ask him if he watches a particular show. He says yes, if only to mock it. That’s probably what’s happening with Crossing Over.

– “People don’t get their morals from the TV” – Penn

– In the second part: They go to the Himalayas, and speak with a guru who “channeled” John.


– William on the phone: Did John Lennon talk about how Les Moonves is running CBS into the ground?

– Mike on the phone: He’s an atheist, and when talking with his Dad (a pagan) about the seance, debunking this obvious crap isn’t as worthwhile as debunking the van Praaghs and Edwards of the world.

– “A hero can only be as good as his villan” – Penn

– In the second part: A seance at Cafe Lafortuna. During the seance, the audio went dead. Apparently, there had been a malfunction, but there was some EVP (aka static) of someone saying “Peace, the message is peace”.

– Do not hire Sandra Bellinger, the “EVP expert” if she comes into your KFC.

– Boycott Cafe Lafortuna.


– World premiere of the Monkey Tuesday theme by Mike Jones.

– Jim on the phone: His friend worked on the bit in Cafe Lafortuna. Everyone was using wireless mics, and with a more powerful transmitter, could override the signal. So someone had just cut the signal, and insert some whispery crud.

– In Cafe Lafortuna, Joe Power was doing a cold reading, channeling John Lennon. At one point, he asks an older man about his ears. The man replies, “My ears are the only good thing left on me!”

– John Lennon came back from the dead to talk about the sink and the floor in the cafe.

– They then reference to the scitar-playing guru: They recorded the fellow playing the scitar for 5 minutes, supposedly channeling John. They then send the tape to a producer, who remixes it to a track the Beatles might play. And it even had lyrics, thanks to the guru’s writing in Hindi on a parchment.

– Garrett then plays the chords of the song on the radio.

– And then he plays an even better song that he wrote, in the theme of “Imagine”.

Imagine half a dozen filthy hippies
Barefoot in a circle, holding hands
Swindlers, every one of them
Pretending to contact a dead man
Now why would anyone pay money?
To see such a sham on TV

They’re just a bunch of new-age sheisters
Lying to make a buck
But if you’re dumb enough, to buy this type of crap
You must not listen to Penn

– It is interesting that even though John and Yoko’s love is so strong, that he would come back in a pay per view, and not directly to her.

– Don’t forget, it did say it was for entertainment purposes, and John Edward was on the SciFi network.

– “God is a Concept by which / we measure our pain / I’ll say it again / God is a Concept by which / we measure our pain . . . You’ll just have to carry on / The Dream is over” – Penn, quoting John Lennon, “God”

– END –

The Penn Jillette Radio Show April 24, 2006

– Tonight is the Lennon Seance, and Garrett will be in tomorrow to talk about it.

Kirk Cameron, a banana, and intelligent design…

– The AID for AIDS walk was yesterday, and hundreds of people showed up. Penn & Teller’s team raised $17,000, which means that P&T; will be matching it up to $35,000. Good luck collecting on that!

The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence were at the AIDS walk.

Sheep wearing blankets in the Netherlands.

– 2:19pm BREAK –

– What about blankets of homeless people? Maybe a non-starter for some companies.

– Monkey Tuesday will not be every Tuesday. Better that it pop back in intermittanly.

CDC can quarantine anyone who looks like they have bird flu. Looks kinda like Steve Buscemi.

Irani women can attend soccer matches. No soccer hooliganism yet, though

– The Rolling Stones have a suite booked in Vienna in June. The US President will be in Vienna at the same time, and wants their suites. Not bloodly likely.

– Neil Young has a new album out Living With War beat them to the punch.

– 2:34pm BREAK –

– gmail from Jennifer: Show about Houdini on the History Channel. Teller was on, and talking, but not showing his face while talking. Turns out, it’s Penn’s fault they did that. In case you didn’t know, Teller has been silent during his act, the frat boys would pay attention while he worked. And he’s continued that to this day. But after the Rio show, he will speak with people in the lobby.

– “And if my thought-dreams could be seen
They’d probably put my head in a guillotine
But it’s alright, Ma, it’s life, and life only.” – Penn, quoting Dylan’s It’s Alright, Ma (I’m Only Bleeding)

– 2:54pm END –

The Penn Jillette Radio Show April 21, 2006

– Making the final decision on the Lennon seance winner.

– Garrett WILL be the winner, unless someone calls in and tells Penn why he shouldn’t win the competition…

– Another way to win is to take part in the AIDS walk on Sunday. The walk is anti-AIDS, not pro-AIDS.

– Teller wrote a book about David P. Abbott, and it’s about $500 (actually, $100). And they’re giving away the book, and Penn’s cheesy books, and P&T; shirts if you go on this (anti-)AIDS walk.

– There will be lots of fun walkers, and a few protestors. Moxie will be handling the debate with them.

Patrick Moore has been on Bulls Hit more than once, and will be on it again, hopefully. He is a founder of Greenpeace, but left. Write in if you have anything to argue about (how great Greenpeace is, how nuclear energy is bad…)

– Penn’s friend Rob Morrow has a daughter named Tu Morrow.

– gmail from Greg: Danny Gans vs. the Scintas? Why are the Shintas better? Because they are at the Rio.

– The Scintas are pretty scitty. Yet, they give out Momma Scinta’s Spaghetti sauce, from their Momma’s original recipe from Sicily. P&T; got some of the sauce, and Teller has the idea to remove the label from the can. Underneath was the label for some generic sauce. They even impersonating their spagetti sauce.

– 2:19pm BREAK –

– Someone calls in, who knows Garrett: Garrett has herpes and wears a helmet, don’t choose him. OK, actually, he doesn’t know him. He wanted to know if he had to be jewish, because his mother is. “If your mother is a jew, you are jewish” is a jewish rule, so if you’re not a jew, it doesn’t apply to you. He went to see Danny Gans about a year ago. Why would you go and see a guy impersonate a bunch of people you would never pay to see anyway?

– Boomer on the line from NJ: He’s an atheist, has a degree, and plays in a band that does Beatles covers. And he has a wife who belives in astrology, so he’s adept at debating them. But he’s missing a real estate closing to talk on the phone. Penn tells him to get back to work.

– John Negraponte said Osama is operating from a narrower and narrower space in Pakistan.

– A student wore a shirt that said “Homosexuality is shameful” to school. He was banned by a panel, who said it’s ok to ban hurtful words on tshirts. Nowhere does it say to stop hurtful words in the Bill of Rights…

– At a NCMEC press conference, Judge Al Gonzales used graphic language to discuss online pornography. After he described what he had seen online, he was promptly arrested…

– President Bush apologized to Chinese President Hu for the protestor who shouted, “Your days are numbered!” Which is silly, because if you didn’t number them, you wouldn’t know which was which.

– A judge has thrown out a case of sexual harrassment arrising from vulgar talk in the writing room for “Friends” that had upset some woman.

– 2:25pm BREAK –

– Evan on the phone about Mike Jones: Jones was on TV the other night, and he talks like he has a hamster in his mouth. Clearly, a case of mistaken identity. That was the other Mike Jones.

– Amaani Lyle (Friends lawsuit) thought that the humor was too rude and was directed to her and amounted to sexual harassment. Penn was a day player on Friends. He thought the craft servceis was so-so, and thought that only Matt Leblanc was the only one who really enjoyed his job, whereas the other main actors were so afraid of losing the popularity. Drew Carey has the nicest craft services Penn has ever seen. Even Bulls Hit pales in comparison to Drew Carey’s.

– On to Death Penalty. Bill R. via gmail: Is it just as bad to take someone’s freedom than their lives? Penn says no. If you take away their freedom for 10 years because they were wrongfully jailed, at least they’ll have their post-jail life back.

– gmail from Petri: So it’s OK to shoot someone who is about to hurt you, but not kill them after they’ve been caught? Penn says the first thing to do is to stop from doing it. Sometimes the only way to stop them is with violence. After they’ve been stopped, you can reflect on what to do with them, and there is no immanent danger.

– What about killing a bear who has mauled someone? The bear’s main defence is, “Hey, I’m a bear!” Will a bear get a taste of human blood, and kill again, does it have rabies, or was it just waking up from hibernation?

– “Never go anywhere money doesn’t matter” – Penn. He was in the Everglades, and was bitten alive by mosquitos. Clearly, the little bastards couldn’t be bought off.

– AIDS Walk on Sunday.

-2:54pm END –

The Penn Jillette Radio Show April 20, 2006

– Penn got no sleep last night, so he’s emotionally fragile. But because he wasn’t out drinking, he doesn’t have the bloodshot eyes to prove it.

– He was reading in the bathtub. Parasite Rex by Carl Zimmer.

– Penn read all about parasites and diseases, in the hopes of falling asleep. Blood flukes are scary little bastards.

Malaria could be solved by using DDT, except the US doesn’t want to use it.

Blood Fluke Thursday!

– Happy Jack brought in some glazed raspberry donuts, favourites of Elvis. Speaking of whom, Elvis was so crazy, he would put teenaged girls in white panties and watch the wrestle. How crazy!

– Even after not shaving for 4 days, Penn’s face is softer than Moxie’s ass.

– Penn is from New England. His folks never had a drink in their lives, though he never heard anything about drink or drugs. Even though his classmates were all drinking and dropping acid, he decided against it.

– “You look younger than we though you would. Have you lost weight?” – what everyone says when they meet Penn.

– Penn got his wisdom teeth pulled at “Tooth & Go”, and he was hopped up on sodium pentathol. Driving home from the office, Penn was trying to rip off his girlfriend’s clothes, and ripping out the bloody wadding from his mouth and putting it on her face. Clearly he didn’t know what is what like to be high.

– If you’re over eighteen, you should be doing something important with your life. But if you’re under eighteen, you should be experimenting with drugs and alcohol, and getting it out of your system.

– 2:18pm BREAK –

– Penn is brittle today.

– Penn did a show in NY, and met with Mia Farrow who was doing a play at the same time (Exonerated). He asked her if she had been to Las Vegas. She said, “Yes, when I was married to Frank Sinatra”. Oh yeah.

– Penn got to talking about transcendental meditation, and how it was bullshit. She replied that she was hanging out with the Maharishi.

– Mia Farrow said that Sinatra wanted her to wear long wigs, so people wouldn’t think she was a little boy.

– The Boston archdiocese has paid out $150M, and reported a $8.3M loss last year. To combat that, communion will now cost $1 per wafer, $1 per shot of wine.

– Mumps is sweeping the midwest, especially at colleges. The kids will be given the chance to finish up their binge drinking.

Robert Goddard, “It is IS rocket science!”

– The President’s staff changes will not change his efforts towards the war on terror. Osama will change his cave cleaner, to keep up.

– The CDC reports that people with arhtritis will get less excericise… People with no teeth don’t floss.

– 558 prisoners being held in Gitmo have been named. They received Pottery Barn catalogs the next day.

– After the break, Penn will decide who will be watching the Lennon seance!

– 2:35pm BREAK –

– What the winner will get: limo ride to the Slammer, a tour around the house, a couple dozen donuts from Krispy Kreme, $100 to gamble, tickets to P&T; and Lance Burton.

– But first, a gmail from Lex: He hates his name Alex so much, he tries to go by Lex, but his friends just call him Al.

– Another gmail: Penn should name his next kid “Screw DaMedia”.

– Gmails for Lennon: Dave was raised by devout mormons, can play guitar, and lives in Vegas… Nicholas: no honky tonk badonkadonk

– Call from Scott: He’s in Baltimore, and would be willing to drive there. But it’s too stupid to waste your time on it.

– “Dave”, what’s in a name? Most Daves should have been named “Dick”.

– Gmail from Garrett: He is a skeptical bastard, and not afraid to make fun of Lennon. He’s the winner!

– And the runner up is John Lennon, based mainly on his name.

– Be nice to everyone, and see you tomorrow!

– 2:54pm END –

The Penn Jillette Radio Show April 19, 2006

Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette is #1 on AOL!(click through on the poll to see it). It works everywhere, even “200 clicks outside of Beijing”.

– People love Monkey Tuesday!.

Moe Howard = Moses Horowitz

– The punishment your children endure for naming your kid a crazy name is that you can’t buy them a license plate with their name on it when you go to a theme park.

– People in showbiz go to meetings, FYI.

– On his way back from LA, Penn ran into Criss Angel, and they sat together on the flight back to LV.

Criss Angel just wears that cross to piss off Penn… Criss was spreading rumours to airline passengers that he was replacing Teller.

– A famous radio jockey (aka Howard Stern) is being sued for $500M for talking about his satellite show on terrestrial radio.

Bob Dylan is going to have a show on XM radio. Not of him singing, but just talking about music.

– Gmail about Monkey Tuesday!, from John: The pros and cons of Smoking Monkeys…

– So, no Monkey Tuesday! next week, due to the Lennon seance. But maybe the next week. Someone had mentioned “Wombat Wednesday”…

– OK, back to Criss Angel: While on a flight, Penn & Criss were chatting, and Criss described all these great tricks he was going to do, and then told him how they were going to be done. Also, when he first became famous, he got sick a lot, from all of the handshaking. Now he carries around Purell (not a sponsor) to disinfect his hands. That may kill viruses, but does it kill bacteria?

– A bacterium is to a virus as a truck is to a baseball. Maybe?

– 35% of AOL people voted that Moxie CrimeFighter was the weirdest name of those put up in a poll.

– 2:20pm BREAK –

Dr. Greene’s answer to bacteria and viruses

People dressed up and celebrated the Big One (aka, the earthquake from 100 years ago). Will people be doing the same on Sept. 11, 2101?

– At Bally’s, they reinact the sinking of the Titanic as a dance number.

There are plans inthe works to create the world’s longest chain of bras. It will be 100,000 bras, 56 miles long. Longest chain of jock straps = 1.

– This Sunday is the AFAN AIDS walk, which is anti-AIDS, not pro-AIDS like the Catholic church. or

– 2:36pm BREAK –

– Here Teller speak! When he will curse at the protestors at this Sunday’s walk.

– Chris on the phone: A Halowe’en story. He saw a clown chasing a mime down the street. And the only one making any noise was the mime.

– Death Penalty show on Bulls Hit Monday night. Speaking of Alan Gell (the man who was taken off of death row, and interviewed during the show), was just caught and arrested for various charges. Gell had been in jail for another charge when the murder he was originally charged for happened.

– Why is it OK to carry a gun, but not the death penalty? Because a gun is a noun, whereas the other is a verb (to kill).

– If you kill 1 in 1,000,000 innocent people, that’s still one too many. You can’t just put bad people in jail because they might do something bad int he future (ie, Alan Gell).

– 2:54pm END –

The Penn Jillette Radio Show April 18, 2006


– Penn had a monkey-induced life changing event… Penn and his friend Barry Marks got a copy of the original movie Tarzan and his Mate, which is full of violence. In the movie, Cheetah (the monkey from last week) is smoking. Penn was laughing so hard, he had to pee, but wasn’t able to walk to the bathroom, so he had to crawl. Which Barry thought was hilarious, so he made sure to follow him closely all the way to the bathroom.

– Penn tells Barry about how Johnny Thompson is the greatest. In fact, they met up with him, and Penn asked Johnny: “What’s the funniest thing in the world?” “A smoking monkey! Don’t try to follow a smoking monkey!”

Cheetah is 76, and has retired from showbiz, and paints.

– The “Tea Monkeys” in Canada. Apparently, these monkeys in a zoo would have High Tea every afternoon. Sadly, after they stopped doing that, they were put in with regular monkeys, and got the tar beat out of them.

– Goudeau mentions Macaques, who sit in hot springs in Japan when the temperature gets too cold.

– Gmail from Scott: A scary monkey story from his childhood. When he was young, he was on a trip to Arkansas. He was sitting in the back, facing the back. While there, they visited a drive-thru zoo. At one point, some monkeys started stalking them… more after the break…

– Penn met Billy Connolly at Barbra Streisand’s party. Billy said, “You know, I’ve met three of the Beatles.” Penn responds, “I’ve met all four of the Monkees.”

– 2:19pm BREAK –

– Back to Scott’s Gmail: At one point, the monkeys jumped on the back bumper, and his rear-facing seat was the greatest seat. He began to pester his mom for some food to give to the monkeys. All she had were Certs… They rolled down the window, and gave the monkeys the Certs. The monkeys grabbed the Certs, and ate them all. After the Certs were gone, the monkeys wanted more. One of the monkeys grabbed one of Scott’s brothers, and pulled him against the window, while the rest of the monkeys groped and grabbed him. After some screaming, Grandma rolled up the rear window, getting them to let go of his brother. At the same time, his mom hit the gas, and started off. Sadly, some of the monkeys were stuck in the window, flapping in the wind. So, Grandma had to roll down the window, letting the monkeys go, tumbling to the ground, with Certs (or teeth) falling out of their mouths.

After they got home, Scott’s dad asked what had happened to his brother, as to why he was all beat up. His mom simply replied by saying, “The monkeys got him.”

– Goudeau’s has a friend named Kelly Lepkowsky, Movie Monster Maker (he worked on Gizmo for The Gremlins). The two of them had gone to a pet store, and saw a tiny monkey in a cage. Kelly put his finger against the cage, and the monkey grabbed it into the age, and bit down on it, and did not let go for ten minutes.

– Penn got bit by a monkey grinder’s monkey, who, apparently had never bitten anyone else. He’s also been bitten by lots of other wildlife.

– P&G; ride a tandem trike, which they call the “Don Johnson”, because when you’re on it, you think you’re cool, but from the outside, you’re just a dick. Penn carries mace with him, in case they are attacked by a dog. Goudeau is in the back, which is bad news for macings…

– “Monkey Tuesday!” – Penn

– 2:36pm BREAK –

“The Plasmatics” recorded an album while listening to only their own instruments, which can make it tough to stop a song. Not monkey-related, sorry about that.

– Next Tuesday will not be Monkey Tuesday!!, but John Lennon Tuesday, because of the seance the night before. Remember, no one should watch it, just the one listener who Penn will pay to do it.

– Here’s a story from Bob, Penn’s father-in-law. He was in NY, in a handsome cab with a monkey. The monkey “fecated” all over him. But he wasn’t bitten.

– For people who don’t already hate Penn, here’s something you will want to hear/read: Penn has been on the road for 30 years, and wanted some ideas for breakfasts, because he wanted to have everything he needed in one easy package. He asked his friends for ideas, and one suggested monkey chow. So, he got someone to buy 50 pounds of monkey chow. He was going to go through with it, but his girlfriend basically said, “No”. Penn got really mad, and fought with her over this. “You don’t respect my decisions!” They ended up breaking up over it.

– It turns out, monkey chow has too much roughage, and is not sanitary at all. Oh well…

– On tomorrow’s show, talking about Bulls Hit, as the Death Penalty show was on last night. ps. The Showtime website is now accessible from outside of the US. Hooray for us non-Americans!

– 2:54pm END –

Thus ends Monkey Tuesday!!. Hope it was as good for you as it was for me!

The Penn Jillette Radio Show April 17, 2006

– All sound checks!

– Penn’s wife believes that celebrating Easter, when you’re not a xian, is wrong. But Goudeau just likes chocolate bunnies.

– Ah, turducken. Yummy! And now there’s an easter turducken: chocolate egg inside a marshmallow peep, inside of a chocolate bunny.

– Penn finally returned Lance’s trained duck, though they tried to do a switch and return some other one.

– “Lance has sex with his ducks” – Penn

– Penn rescued two ducks from certain death to put them in the show. So animal cruelty groups who say they are abusing animals are full of crap.

– Penn has permanently damaged Moxie because of her name, according to the NYTimes.

NYPD has installed hundreds of wireless cameras around the city… So I’ll guess they’ll get great views of the next disaster.

Drinking Starbucks all around the world, studying cultures.

– The new pope did his first Easter service. Great.

Noelle, the life-like pregnant robot. Hot!

Opus Dei is going after Ron Howard, wanting him to say “DaVinci Code” is fiction. No shit, it’s a movie with Tom Hanks.

– Penn’s parents were clearly showbiz narcissists for naming him, right Alex?

– 2:19pm BREAK –

More mad cow disease in Canada, so they’re releasing a commemorative stamp. The chance of dying from it is exactly 0. There have been 200 deaths from it.

Neil Young has a new album called “Living With War”, containing a song called “Impeach the President”.

New BS tonight on capital punishment. Don’t forget!

Backlash against the FCC by the networks.

– Call from Andrew: Wanted to have sons named Zeus and Thor, but he ended up having three daughters. Oh, and the pope did mention something about the DaVinci Code, and denounced the book. But not the movie! ha!

– Call from Robert: His real name is Rene. And his brother in law’s name is Nard. And he has a son named Nicola.

– 2:35pm BREAK –

– Check out the official webpage of the show: Getting better all the time, including some pictures from the studio. And soon Gid’s letter to Katie Curic, who has said that there were no atheists in foxholes.

Michael Jackson is restructuring his finances/face

– The best lyrics of all time have been announced. No Frosty the Snowman, Danke shein, Live and Let Die, Shaft. Best lyrics, One by U2, Smells like Teen Spirit by Nirvana. Penn believes that Dylan should be at the top. Though Trace Adkins’ Honkytonk Bedonkadonk is a close second.

John Lennon’s seance is next Monday. Don’t watch it! But Penn will pay one listener to watch it, and then come on the radio show the next day and let us know all about it. “People say this is disgusting, and I accept that criticism” – the producer of the seance.

– Some gmails with people’s names: some guy has named his daughter Ballerina Superskater, some one else Carlyle Christian Hoch III, Frida

– “Lord have mercy, how’s she even get them britches on / That honky tonk badonkadonk” – Penn quoting Trace Adkins

– 2:54pm END –