The Penn Jillette Radio Show April 14, 2006

On today’s show, it’s Happy Jack’s 41st birthday:

– Lincoln was shot on good Friday, April 14th, 1865. And right after, people were making parallels between him and jebus.

– Penn was in “Wall Street” by Oliver Stone, but was cut out. He thought he was cut out because of time, but now he just thinks it was because he sucked.

– “Two things I wouldn’t do over again, High School and Miami Vice.” – Penn

– On today’s show, we’ll hear from gmails, and about David Blaine

– What do these people have in common? Florence Joyner (FloJo), Claude Shannon, Richard Feinman, Steven Hawking, WC Fields, Tom Hanks, William Golding… All jugglers

– “I respect Steven Hawking for two reasons: He divorced his wife because he was having an affair with his nurse, and he was on Larry King” – Penn

– Sean Penn took his own camera crew down to New Orleans when he was saving people. It’s ok to showboat while you’re saving people.

– “No matter what you say in public, you will hurt people” – Penn

– Angry people respond to some earlier segments: worm feces, killing antelopes, and tapeworms. “I am angry and disturbed by you talking about worm feces on the radio. Goddamn you to hell” – Chris, via gmail

– You can now buy a condo on the Atlanta Speedway.

“Love Tapes”, is a play written by Penn and Steven Banks (of Sponge Bob fame), directed by Jessie Marion. She won Best Director. “When you are an adult, you can eat candy for breakfast” – Jessie Marion

– 2:19pm BREAK –

– You can also buy a condo on a runway…

– “I have a sex dungeon, and a fireman’s pole. What more could a twelve-year old boy want?” – Penn (be sure to take this out of context).

– Joe on the phone….. Or not…. OK, now he’s there… Former @ Bell Labs (Claude Shannon also worked there). Shannon found that for a two-armed juggler, the maximum things could juggle was 9 to 11.

– “This is not rocket surgery!” – Crasher

– News about David Blaine: Blaine is going to live underwater for a week in a “Human Aquarium”, aka swimming pool, as part of a 2-hour special on NBC.

– Some of Blaine’s previous stunts: flagpole sitting, living in an igloo for 2 days, not eating for 44 days above the Thames.

– “And I like David Blaine, he’s a friend. Imagine if I didn’t like him” – Penn

– 2:35pm BREAK –

– Phone call from May about David Blaine: She works at a Magic store, and breaks the hearts of kids all the time when they come in a find out how easy the tricks are.

– “What matters on TV is the reaction of the people being blown away” – Penn

– In the frozen blcok trick, the hardest part of the stunt is keeping the ice frozen, and keeping David Blaine standing.

– He trained with Navy Seals for his underwater thing… What sort of training do you need stay underwater for a week?

– Someone else wrote in with a great monkey story, and he’ll talk about it next week.

Cheetah (the monkey) paints now that he is retired from showbiz.

– They are taking Monday off so they can celebrate the resurrection of their Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, so tune in Tuesday.

LOL, just kidding! There’s a show like usual on Monday. Had you going for a second, didn’t I?

The Penn Jillette Radio Show April 13, 2006

On this “Must Hear Radio” Thursday, Penn and Mike thrill us with:

– The Mike Jones Monster Group: Mike Jones, Jimmy Mac, Penn Jillette.

– Do people really believe that “Stars in Concert” are the real musicians/actors?

– Penn was talking to a Cher impersonator…

– Talking to an Elvis impersonator, “Viva Las Vegas”‘s lyrics are a bit weird. “Turnin’ day into nighttime / Turnin’ night into daytime”

– The best safe-word is “Celine Dion”, according to Dave, the disgruntled Canadian.

– Penn went to Stokholm to accept his Nobel Prize and/or do a corporate gig, and it was still light out at midnight.

– So, Penn was talking to a Cher impersonator, she mentions, “I’m not just a Cher impersonator, I do a lot more”. And Penn answers, “Me too”. “What do you mean?”. “What do YOU mean?”… And hilarity ensues… So, if someone ever tells you something nutty, just answer “Me too”, and if they ask, “What do you mean?”, answer them with “What do YOU mean?”

– “Do you expect me to believe that?” is another good one. Works especially well on strippers.

“The Masked Magician” was Val Valentino, gave away tricks on Fox. The producers tried to get shots of an angry Penn & David Copperfield for the show, but they just gave away the guy’s name, and flipped off the camera, so they couldn’t use it.

– Do not act like you’re on a date when you are in a strip club, like Valentino does.

*Editorial note* I had an important phone call, so I missed about 3 minutes in here. Sorry.

Smuggling silicone implants into the US, and placing them in women

– “June Pointer of the Pointer Sisters died, but even the other Pointer Sisters didn’t know which one she was” – Penn

– 2:18pm BREAK –

– Penn’s brother-in-law had a teacher named “Outhouse”, but pronounced French. Apparently it’s not that uncommon, because the name came up again in a story about Paul McCartney “saving” seals.

– Cockpit recordings from Flight 93. The jurors heard, “Go, go, give it to me, give it to me, Allah is the greatest, Allah is the greatest”. Mixed up the tape with “Backdoor to Baghdad”. Whoops.

– Should we release the cockpit recordings to the public, only to the jurors, or lock them away for no one to hear?

– An incest survivor confronted Bob Saget about his joke in “The Aristrocrats”, because his joke was incestuous. They both broke down. Penn mentioned that after his parents died, he found it tough to watch anything that had grieving in it. The onus is on the individual to be careful themselves…

– FEMA has announced an overhaul: new telephone systems, and buying Sean Penn waterwings. Why the heck was he there in New Orleans at all?

– 2:34pm BREAK –

A brand new telescope unveiled in Mass. As soon as the telescope discovers life on other plans, they will be required to buy health insurance in Mass. They are requiring that if you have enough money, you must buy insurance, or else be fined. Will doctors become accountants?

Three people sentenced to 5 years in jail for poaching an antelope. And now that’s the new buzzword for a career-ending move.

Hundreds of gay parents are lining up for the White House Easter egg hunt, as they’ll have a new place to hide the egg.

– Does anyone know the word frodich (I don’t even think I can spell it correctly)? Penn went to pick up a Cookie puss cake from Carvel. The cashier had no idea about the Beastie Boys song of the same name, even though she was pretty young.

Jason Garfield is a shoe-in for Simon Cowell’s new variety show.

– Is there anything evil that’s named twice? Boutros Boutros-Ghali, sure… Duran Duran, oh… New York, New York, ok, that theory is out…

– Who is the highest ranking person who is also a juggler? A Nobel prize winner, maybe?

– Let’s all join Jugglers for Jesus

– It’s been reported that 5,000,000 year old fossilized worm droppings have been found… April 12th was the slowest news day ever.

– “Tapeworms just freak me out” – Penn
– “Tapeworms are the Mickey Mouse of parasites” – Penn

– “Mother Theresa” is Penn’s pet name for Michael Goudeau.

– 3:54pm END –

The Penn Jillette Radio Show April 12, 2006

Chris Bliss is in the studio!

On today’s show, Penn and Goudeau thrill us with:

– The end of the monkey story, but not just yet.

– Chris Bliss is on in a minute!

– OK, back to the monkey & dwarf story… An 80 lb monkey has the strength of a 300 lb man… Monkeys are perverts, and don’t listen to women… Penn has invited a dwarf to the same party as a monkey, showing how little “circus” he is (according to Goudeau).

– To introduce the monkey to the dwarf, they had planned that he (the monkey) was in the hands of Penn’s girlfriend, and Goudeau and the Vigilante Squad were armed, and ready to kill the monkey if he started to attack Arturo (the dwarf).

– When the monkey sees Arturo, he freaks out, and peels out of the girlfriend’s arms. Luckily, the dwarf gets inside the house, and suddenly, the monkey is fine. So for the rest of the night, they shuttle them around the house, to make sure they were never in the same room at the same time. UNTIL, Arturo was sitting on a bar stool, and the monkey was fooled by his height, and thought he was fine. So at the next party with the dwarf and the monkey, they were going to have Arturo walk around on painter’s stilts…

Unfortunately, there was no next party.

End of the monkey story

– What’s the biggest animal you could kill with your bare hands? One of Penn’s friends claims he could kill a cow, by punching it in the eye, then reaching in a scrambling its brains. Yeesh.

– On to Bliss after the break! “Chris Bliss is a lousy juggler.” – Penn

– Dean Cameron made Security Edition, a metal copy of the Bill of Rights. Bliss’ project is to put a monument to the Bill of Rights everywhere there is a monument to the ten commandments.

– Chris Bliss’ video is even on Ringo Starr’s website (click on “videos”).

– 2:19pm BREAK –

– “Three jugglers talking politics!” – Penn

– Penn explains how he was the one who stirred the hornet’s nest re: the Golden Slumbers video, and the retort by Jason Garfield. Also, Anthony Gatto is the world’s best juggler, not Garfield.

– Bliss was upset that people were saying the ten commandments were the basis of the laws in the US, when in actuality it was the Bill of Rights. So his project is to put up a monuments of the Bill of Rights in front of every state Capital, and then on to other important places.

– Goudeau had already donated, and Penn has pledged to send $250 in (the maximum allowable, because Bliss wants it to be a grassroots thing, not a corporate advertising opportunity).

– Each monument is site-specific, designed to fit in with the area and community it will reside in.

– 2:35pm BREAK –

– The Bill of Rights is a compromise, put together to solve problems.

– Perhaps the separation of State and Money would have been something to add to the Bills of Rights.

– “Free societies create free markets, free markets do not necessarily create free societies.” – Bliss

– They got to talking about religion, and Bliss mentioned he is closer to Buddhism than anything else, even though most people must think he’s an atheist.

– “Atheism can be not believing in god, or believing there is no god.” – Penn

– “You do the good because it’s good, not because of the punishment.” – Bliss

– “The biggest meeting of jugglers, talking about something other than juggling, ever.” – Penn

– And once again,
– 2:54pm END –

Another good one. Not too many quotes, as it was mainly a conversation between Bliss and Penn.

The Penn Jillette Radio Show April 11, 2006

On today’s show:

– Story Day! “Screw the news, ignore world events.” – Penn and Mike

*Before you read any further, please note that I couldn’t really do all the stories justice, so reading them pales in comparison with hearing Penn tell them*

– Not telling the blowdryer story, yet. Maybe on the one year anniversary of the show, January 3rd, 2007. Penn did tell it on the Steve Dahl show in Chicago.

In a Cage with a Million Bees

P&T; were filming “Don’t Try This at Home” on NBC. The big finale was to drive a tractor-trailer over Teller. In the middle, they were mocking Siegfried and Roy, who only produce 50 tigers a year. P&T; wanted to up them, by about 20,000 times. So, they decided to produce one million bees! To protect the audience and most of the crew (besides two camera folks with beekeeper suits on), they did this in a big cage. Before the trick, they were given Epi pens (hanging around their necks), and some speed, to keep the blood flowing, in case they get stung too many times.

– “There’s no better idea than giving Penn Jillette speed.” – Penn

– The bees are stinging the crap out of Penn, but Teller got stung only a few times, mainly because he was the one dumping them all over Penn.

– After shooting the rest of the special, Penn goes home. While undressing, he notices that his entire crotch area is bloody, and the skin is falling off his scrotum.

– “In order to get bigger, I have to molt.” – Penn to his girlfriend.

– He doesn’t go to the hospital, and just goes to bed. The next morning, he talks to his friend, who’s a doctor. And hilarity ensures (I don’t want to ruin it).

– “You’ve gotta see Penn’s scrotum!” – Penn’s girlfriend to her friends.

– “Do not put yourself in a cage with a million bees.” – Penn

– 2:18pm BREAK –

– “For those of you concerned for my scrotum, it’s all better now.” – Penn

The State Fair Convention

– A convention for all the stuff/junk you’d see at a State Fair (jugglers, impersonators, etc), all in one place.

– People are in costumes to sell their stuff, or themselves. There’s a Power Ranger guy, wearing these great tights, so the size of his package is a secret to no one. And he’s got a midget dressed up as an inter-galactic mushroom. They walk by Penn, and come to some stairs. And the Power Ranger says to his buddy, “Watch the stairs, this time“.

Goudeau’s Gorilla Story

– Goudeau was the “Garelli Mopeds” Gorilla, for about 4 weeks. He would drive around on a moped, doing errands, and generally trying to sell mopeds for this dealership. Once while driving, a bee flew through the eye of the gorilla costume, and he ended up having to bail on the side of the road. He was not stung, and thankfully, did not lose all the skin from his scrotum.

Eddie G and the Chicken Suit

– Penn bought Mark Garland a full chicken suit. Eddie Gorodetsky borrowed the suit. He got his girlfriend to get into bed, and he got dressed in the suit, and walked around the bedroom.

– Coming up, the monkey and the dwarf…

– 2:35pm BREAK –

– “No Calls! 1-866-313-3733. Feel free to not call!” – Goudeau

The Monkey and the Dwarf

– Having a BBQ at Penn’s place. Penn knew a guy who owned a monkey (well, a great ape, but we’ll call it a monkey, because that’s funny). The monkey, Tarzan, could change his own diaper, eats chips and salsa, etc. Monkeys are really strong. Tarzan had retired from show business, as he was entering puberty. Oh, and monkeys are perverts.

– Penn has a friend named Arturo, who is a Mexican dwarf. He had invited him to the BBQ as well. That’s not a great idea, because you can’t have any children or babies around the monkey. Or little people, as the monkey will fight them for dominance. Penn of course, is not “circus enough” to know this, so he has to call back Arturo, to warn him about the monkey conflict. And Penn then gives the best impersonation of a Mexican ever.

– Arturo decided to come to the party anyway, but he was ready. Ready to jump into the pool at any moment, because monkeys don’t like water, so he would be safe there…

– No! Penn ran out of time telling the story… Hopefully he’ll finish it tomorrow.

– 2:54pm END –

(Please note, these stories are 250% funnier when Penn tells them…)

The Penn Jillette Radio Show April 10, 2006

– Goudeau has terrible taste in music.

– Friday night, Bob Dylan played in Las Vegas. Jeff (Penn’s assistant) was offered free tickets to the show, but was going to see Queen (with Paul Rodgers) instead. Penn sat him down, and tried to convince him to go to Dylan. Not sure who he chose to see, though…

– On Friday’s show, they talked about “there are no atheists in foxholes”. That says more about foxholes than atheists…

A Dutchman is building a working model of Noah’s Ark to teach them about xianity. Goudeau sucks at math.

– “Why don’t you dig wells in Ethiopia?” – Dutchman’s wife

– Solar-powered flashlights going to third-world countries? More after the break.

– 2:18pm BREAK –

50 Lanterns International. An organization that provides solar-powered lanterns to people around the world.

A child’s playground that will pump water for the town. Not related to… They sell advertising on the tanks… “Atheists built this to save your lives, because they love you.” – Goudeau

– Noah’s wife name was Emzara.

Lance Burton wants his loaner duck back from Penn & Teller.

– You don’t need to fit Sperm whales on the ark, they can swim.

– 2:37pm BREAK –

Bill Nye got in trouble with religious folk.

– “Bill Nye, the science guy. Mike Goudeau, the science schmo” – Penn Jillette

– “I like Tom Cruise, because he will bold-face lie.” – Penn Jillette

Chris Bliss will be on Wednesday’s show, talking about the viral video of his juggling, his encounter with The Beatles, and the ten commandments.

– 2:53pm END –

The Penn Jillette Radio Show April 07, 2006

– A dominatrix in New Orleans & Atheism

– “If want to have respect for all the wackjobs who have imaginary friends, then you have to have respect for wackjobs who have no imaginary friends.” – Penn Jillette, on atheists and freedom of religion.

Meridith Viera heading to NBC to co-host the “Today Show”

– A letter from the world’s best dominatrix. “Why is sex for money illegal, but assault for money is perfectly legal.” – Victoria Thrashing

– Goudeau’s phone goes off during the show. He bought it off of eBay, because he hates “Rest Ry”, and they’re not honoring their warranty.

Astronomers have found two black holes on a collision course.

Banning junk food from school.

A very powerful quake hit the Pacific zone, six kilometres below Fiji, but no tsunami warning was issued. All the letters in the alphabet used to write that?

– “A bittersweet comedy about the drama of being alive”, no one wants to see that. You want to see Slither.

– Call from Jeremy: You can’t pay for a sin (sex), but you can pay to get the crap beat out of you.

– Call from Ernesto: Red Stick sex laws… You can’t have sex in exchange for money.

– It’s not Darwin’s Theory on Survival of the Fittest, but Herbert Spencer. Darwin’s theory was Natural Selection.

– 3:19pm BREAK-

– Call from Amy: “Prostitution would break down American society.” Exchange of money implies a contract, so that’s why it’s ok to assualt someone in BDSM. She didn’t have a safe word…

– Call from Mike: “If prostitution was legal, all women would become prostitutes”. Lily Tomlin would not become a prostitute, though. If you had a notarized letter to do BDSM, instead of exchanging money, that would be great

– “I think when you host a radio show… the call you dream of … ‘If there were no laws about prostitution, all women without jobs would become prostitutes’ ” – Penn Jillette

– Call from Jared: The sex laws in LA are based on the navy laws, due to outbreaks of syphilis. He thinks getting beat up is safer than having sex. “All unemployed women are whores.” – Jared, NOT Penn

-3:34pm BREAK-

– “What does a mime do for a safe word?” – Penn Jillette

– “Jesus Christ, poor bastard forgot his safe word” – Emo Philips

– From a gmail: “My fantasy is to punch the guy who said all women are prostitutes in the mouth” – Hellbound Alleee

– Call from “Line 10”: Distinguish between paying sex & paying for BDSM. Reiterating that exchange of money is entering into a contract. Why aren’t you allowed to pay to have yourself killed?

– The “Bum Fights” guys got busted.

– Katie Couric said “There are no Atheists in foxholes”. Penn reads an open letter from Gid L. White (a soldier and atheist) to Katie Couric. Gid’s dogtags were the first to have “Atheist” on them.

– “Put that in your pipe and smoke it, you unpatriotic bitch.” – Penn, after reading Gid’s letter

– Chris Bliss will be on the show Wednesday.

– 3:54pm END-

The Penn Jillette Radio Show April 06, 2006

– The show is played in by the “Mike Jones Duo”: Mike Jones and Penn Jillette. Not Vince Guaraldi, as Goudeau thought.

Tiktaalik, the walking fish

– Superman cleans up the KKK?

– Penn played poker with the “Queer Eye” guys (who he hates). He thought the converted straight guy just looked “queered up”. Susan Anton ended up winning the game.

– “We fought the queers, and the queers won.” – Penn Jillette, because Queer Eye beat Penn & Teller: Bullshit! for Emmys.

– Penn asked one of the “Queer Eye” guys if there were ever any “straight” guys who they suspected were gay on the show. He was pretty sure there had been.

– Talked to David Shaw re: Tiktaalik. The creationists say, “Show us the transitional forms” Well, here it is!

– “Here’s the missing link. Now we’re missing two links [the one above and the one below]” – Dave Shaw

-2:18pm BREAK-

– If you’re going to the Penn & Teller show in as Vegas, show up an hour early to see Penn playing bass with Mike Jones.

Ancient manuscript shedding light on Judas and Jesus. It’s just like Great Balls of Fire!.

– Mel Gibson is redoing all the “Lethal Weapon” movies in Aramaic…

– The Three Stooges

– Corrine calls in, asking about “god of the margin”. Penn says, as science expands, god is pushed to the margin.

-3:34pm BREAK-

– What happened in 1706? Ben Franklin was born (hey, that was my email!), Pachelbel died (hit by a canon).

Dental drilling dates back at least 9000 years.

– “Michael Goudeau MacGyver” – Penn

South Park wins a Peabody

Sam Harris interviewed by TruthDig.

– “Superman fought the klan, and Superman won” – Penn

– Call from Eric: public stoning was invented in 1706 in America. Then the victim broke the pole he was tied to from the ground, and hit the stone, for the first hit and run.

– Halloween’s circular firing squad. Clearly the cops didn’t think about the safety risks when they did that.

– Next week, Chris Bliss will be on.

PostRapture, hand delivering your messages after the rapture. (the site is down right now…)

-2:54pm END-

The Penn Jillette Radio Show April 05, 2006

– After the show, Penn will be playing poker with the guys from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”, Mike Goudeau will be reading to kids.
Brian Doyle arrested for trying to seduce a young girl, aka an undercover cop. A good case of entrapment?
– “The three most overrated things in the world were Bluegrass music, pick-up trucks, and teenaged girls” – Penn
Toy Easter Bunny removed from office
– “Are you telling me child molesters are so slutty they would go out and have sex with just any 14-year old?” – Penn
– “If the victim doesn’t exist, is it really a crime?” – Penn
Mass. will start fining people who don’t have health insurance
Leche League, breast nazis?
– Entrapment on Wikipedia
– Paris Hilton to play Mother Theresa? Don’t lower yourself to that level, Paris.