The Penn Jillette Radio Show July 31, 2006

Oh dear – Las Vegas are playing that nasty loop of the first few bars of Mike Jones’s theme tune.

Then it all goes quiet.

Where’s the show?

Here we go…
Penn and Goudeau are here and it’s the Mario repeat!

The guys have another technical snafu

Cuts back to Lewis Black interview.
Trey’s death threats mentioned…

Special Guest: Lewis Black (does he exist)?

Stand up and having an audience that want to see you.
Understanding TV numbers.
12,000 people in Munich
Improvisation and the HBOspecial
Lewis’s act – we don’t know what we’re doing anymore…good Middle East material
(No juggling this week)

Hippopotamus Eats Dwarf

Other people’s suffering and testing compassion.
(Penn tests your compassion…)
Lewis: you generate reality…

Arturo mentioned

Summerfest dwarves.


Over the top with the dwarf!
Goudeau reads out the story

Penn speaks in Thai and can’t screw up alliteration

Lewis and the old testament.
A definition of insanity.
Penn quotes the bible.
Rapture chat rooms (Goudeau loves this)
Jeopardy blog.
The left behind books – 25c to an insane guy.
I don’t think it’s “Rapture Time”

Penn’s insane cackling and the Aristocrats.
Lewis’s book.
Lewis and Penn, creepy kids.


The guys are back and have calmed down – fun with the show music.

Lewis’s movie
Another, deeper movie
Lewis’s background and his gay outreach program.

Lewis asks Penn for a Cavour (six minutes)
Blaine gag.

Seven minutes to light a cigarette.
Quitting is tough.
Peer pressure? Trained monkeys.

Lewis Black – King for a day
No wonder Kerry didn’t win.
Kerry joke.
Make a choice!

Penn wrapping up…

The Penn Jillette Radio Show July 28, 2006

Here we go with Friday’s show

Penn’s here with Goudeau, we hear about future guests and Goudeau’s report for the next Monkey Tuesday.

Today’s guest (a letter writer to Bulls.Hit), Banafsheh Zand-Bonazzi, will answer the question:

What’s Going On In The Middle East?
Solving the Middle East crisis in under an hour

Persia is an Aryan country.
Islam converting by the sword.
Why September 11th?
Zillions of guys in the CIA
Penn is 100% ignorant.

Trying to explain to America.

Caller John: Date question.

Banafsheh’s background
(and quite a bit about modern Iranian history too)

Let’s say that Penn knows nothing…

If you were George W Bush, what would you do?

Good and bad Ayatollahs and being educated enough to understand differences.
Banafsheh gives an example.


Penn thinks it may take more than an hour to solve all of the problems in the Middle East.

Penn invites Banafsheh to talk about individualism.

P&T; in China.
Bermuda shorts.

Caller Mike: (is told off for self flagellation). Banafsheh loves America.
Eurabia mentioned.
Barack Obama mentioned.
Mike’s question is answered…


Penn, Goudeau and Banafsheh are here to solve the Middle East’s problems.
Gmail Johnny: One hour is not enough. More info…
Amir Taheri

Banafsheh’s solution.
The western media lies…

Callers – if she doesn’t like America, she should leave.


Caller Sarah: Doesn’t agree with Banafsheh – Brings US/Israel into the conversation. Banafsheh doesn’t agree and Penn has to separate them


Three times

Sarah has her say.

Fox News.

Banafsheh is sorry.

Banafsheh Zand-Bonazzi ends the show…

The Penn Jillette Radio Show July 26, 2006

The theme takes us into Wednesday’s show. Hurrah!
Penn and Goudeau are here, Penn was on television last night.

Colbert Report
John Stewart mentioned.
A loony sick of jokes about Catholics.
Dawkins and race/geography/religion.

Does Penn attack the Jews enough?

Aristocrats on HBO!
(same package as Bulls hit)

Future guests mentioned.
(if you want to know – listen to the show)

Next week is Aristocrat week

Caller Mike: Making fun of Jews and Catholics. Cultural Jews.

God Delusion mentioned

Lenny Bruce and definition of a Jew.

Tolerance of evolution. Goudeau: “That’s like voting on the sex of a cat!”

100 scientists prove Einstein wrong.

Caller: Make fun of everybody.
Isaac Hayes.

Trey & Matt nominated for an Emmy over the scientology episode.

Is there a ‘nice’ Nazi joke?


Penn paraphrases Gmails.
Penn’s myspace account.
Laura and Zeke.
Pain until you die.
Laura found me first and Vlad found me later.
Myspace/age/astrology rant.
Does anybody believe in astrology?

Goudeau: Breaking news: Andrea Yates verdict. She is so like George Bush.

Caller Joe: Joe believes in astrology. Penn invokes physics. Doctor’s gravity – inverse square law.
Full moon crazies!

Caller Dave: Astrological chart for serial killers. James Randi astrologers study Manson vs Borlaug.

Penn wants a definition of the inverse square law and a hack to get rid of astrological signs from MySpace.


We’re back with Penn clicking over Jonesy’s theme.
From Myspace to the inverse-square law.
Penn and cops. Leather sniffer.

Caller Dave: Inverse-square law explained

Another reason why astrologers are wrong.

Caller Toby: Astrology ‘hack’ – put yourself down as a band. Penn would like to be a band.
Penn wents a proper hack.

Gmail: Talent skips a generation? God and Jesus.

Caller Dean: Zodiac recession. If it did work, it doesn’t now.

Caller Jeff: Astrology is not based on gravity – its symbolism. Cosmology. An unseen force. Kabbalah.

Caller Jim (for fun): A scientist talks about the inverse square law (better than Dave). Evolution – letters to the editor and fossil fuels. Good line!!

Caller Andrea: Moon, tides and water – with pregnant women, does this work? Penn no woman is that big!!
Antibiotic fluid.

Penn explains the inverse square law and fades out…

The Penn Jillette Radio Show July 25, 2006

No show? Where are the guys?

We break back in halfway through Penn talking…

It’s the Monkey TuesdayTheme!!

Sending Bernice to the zoo..

Monkey Tuesday: Death and Violence

Monkey obituaries – a little therapist

Caller Mike: Ice cream chimp –
Penn: “A glorious death!”
Vegas interactive zoo
Penn: Feeding the bears.
Penn gets carried away.

Caller Warren (Goudeau: “run for your life Warren!”): China mall – monkey king.
Goudeau: “We’re gonna have to get a truck…”
Life-size? “There is no Monkey King!”
Goudeau stops Penn from suggesting a crime

Blaine – dissed


Chimp weight – huge goddamned monkey!
Caller Regan: Dolphin trainer. Lucy the sailor, punching children

and dolphins too!

Penn at six flags ’74 and a dead dolphin.
Penn too crazy to be put in front of a microphone.
Penn’s dolphin impression. Goudeau: “Penn Jillette – voice of Flipper”.

Caller Matt: Great Adventure in winter.
“It’s only seven bucks!”
Omen monkeys banging on the roof!
Artistic monkeys.


15,000 monkeys on your car.

Caller Holly: World series of poker Monkey.
Clever Hans mentioned.
Caller Joanie: Philadelphia zoo wedding story. Monkey gives his blessing

Penn makes stuff up!
Respecting the monkey.

Gmail Ironman: Monkey finger biting – plan ahead!

Jerry G mentioned.
Wrestling Orang utans!
Penn doesn’t want a finger bitten off.

Aristocrats is on HBO
Penn is on myspace. (try to find him)

Penn signs off but is attacked by a monkey

The Penn Jillette Radio Show July 21, 2006

Mike Jones’s Theme means Friday’s show is underway…
…here’s our host clicking away
and “SecretTour de France Rider (80 hours)”, Goudeau for the last show of the week.

We chose to live in Hell!
Missing your family when they’re away…

Watching manly movies with Jonesy (Penn cried during AF1)
(Goudeau cried on the TdF yesterday)

Penn’s off the painkillers!
Missing when you juggle (on painkillers) – a real jazz bassist.
Jonesy: Last night’s bass player…

Talk to Layman Penn

Penn is NOT a “doctor” like Phil/Laura – Layperson Penn is here for you.

Caller Andrea: Why aren’t we evacuating people from Israel?
Penn: This is a very sexual call – full frontal aggression. Penn’s theory on Israel (Penn would rather talk about her sex life).

Caller Jason: “IT’S NOT DOCTOR PENN” – Penn’s convention tale about a hot assistant.
Jason: “I want to be a magician that gets laid.”
John Edward and the secrets behind mentalism.
Phil Goldstein mentioned – Criss Angel and panties.

Teller grabs a pigeon?
Penn being a wimp but eventually manages to be a pigeon grabber.
Goudeau has never caught a pigeon.
Everyone should grab a pigeon!


This is . . . .Penn Jillette with pigeons on the brain.
Gabriel Marquez – Story of a Shipwrecked Sailor – Seagull story.

Squirrel chasing.
Ted Nugent and bare-handed hunting
Goudeau stoning deer
Gmail Katie/Max: I Married a Magician!
Gmail: Move Israelis to New Mexico.

Caller Camelia: Happy Jack made me call you sexy Dr Penn.
Huge bad news – what’s Penn’s suggestion?
Penn: Betty Page glasses and some good advice.
Dorothy Parker mentioned.

We live in a godless world full of pain


Layperson Penn Jillette
Caller Don: Bullet catch (Banachek method) – remember 14 humans have died doing this stunt.
Penn – Do Not Do It!

Caller Claudia: Pet peeve – Karma.
Richard Dawkins and “Awe”
Penn: Just treat people well.
Goudeau: Respect.

Caller Miriam (All callers are calling Penn “Dr Penn”): Pigeon story

With a great ending!
Penn is surprised by the last word in her sentence.

Gmail: Dystopian novel title.
Bad Monkey.
Dr Penn has delusions of grandeur.
No music for Troglodyte Tuesday!
Patrick gets funny for Pigeon Catching Friday.

Demolition Man.
Gmail: Public Library question.
Gmail Jocasta: Chimps are Troglodytes
Caller James: Scientology and “catching pigeons” in Hollywood.
Penn on downloading TV.

And it’s the end of the show…

The Penn Jillette Radio Show July 20, 2006

Jonesy’s bass/piano Theme (two days running) – here’s Penn and “SecretTour de France Rider”, Goudeau for another show.

37 years since moon landing.
Mike Collins had the creepiest job.
Good Luck Mr Gorsky

Penn remembers yesterday?
Trey has lunch with a zombie.

Do Not Feed The Homeless!

Anti-soup-kitchen legislation

Mayor Oscar Goodman, who has been a vocal advocate of cracking down on the homeless in city parks, dismissed questions about how marshals, who patrol city parks, will identify the homeless in order to enforce the ordinance, the violation of which would be a misdemeanor.

“Certain truths are self-evident,” Goodman said. “You know who’s homeless.”

Goudeau tipping Frosty.
Civil disobedience via Subway
Warhol’s New york Lunch

Caller Giovani: Scary shelters full of crazy ex-army guys. You really need family to help you.

Models styling the homeless.
Goudeau: Gym membership?

Celebrities feeding the homeless once a year.


Sober/Alert Penn Jillette (another dentist appointment tonight though – uh oh!)

Caller Chris: Worked with the homeless. Give them safe shelters, train them (treat the ill) – this would work. They need help, but not the help people think…

Caller Sheila: Also worked in NYC – we need to inform the homeless. Develop a trust relationship and point them to relevant services.
Drop in centers, not handing out sandwiches.

Penn was in favor of feeding but the two people who know about it disagree.

Goudeau: Just Desserts beggar.

Caller Eileen: Beggar story – using your child.
Penn: For some people, food isn’t the answer.

Caller Dustin: Homeless reality tv show.
Bumfights mentioned.
Dustin should call back when he’s thought of a name for his show…


Bass/piano theme (the other one) brings us back in…
Gmail Damon: Charity – objectivist P.O.V.

Caller Dave (or John): Brooklyn shelter work program. Get the homeless out of the parks and help them!

Caller Jack: everyone got dumped! oops!

Gmail Natasha: Homeless scheme – Skeet, watch my car.
Happy Jack had a similar idea.

Gmail: Proud of the fattest homeless people!

Norman Borlaug mentioned – will be coming on the show soon – (yay!)
Goudeau – how many people will die while he’s on the show…

Gmail Mitch: “Hobo-sapiens they are people too” reality show title.

Oscar Goodman would call in but he’s driving – he will not use his phone while driving

Website mentioned and the glam picture of Goudeau.

Make up? Yes.
Airbrushed? No just a really good photographer!

Goudeau’s “rodent look”

Goudeau was on a Barry Manilow video “In search of love”
Barry Manilow is not “Rock”

Norman Borlaug will be here in September!

The Penn Jillette Radio Show July 19, 2006

Jonesy’s bass/piano Theme means that “Libertarian Nut Juggler” Penn and “SecretTour de France Star”, Goudeau are here again for another show.
(Goudeau is losing weight the TdF, way – in fact we’re over three-quarters through the whole race…)
Penn has more dental work but with lots of painkillers and with fish in the room.

“Surprise” Special Guest: Trey Parker
(No Matt)

Skipping work and South Park.
Death Threats – Shockingly few.
2,500 crayon-writing losers.
Penn’s chiropractorsboycott story.

“Yes I am a champion of the truth!”

Censorship: Eminem, The Beatles and Howard Stern.
Team America and the liberal backlash.
Les Claypool upset.
Matt and Trey ignored.

South Park “is a live show.”
All done in-house.
Compared with The Simpsons
Why Penn thinks South Park is nice and sweet and good.


Jonesy’s theme takes us back to special guest Trey Parker
Muhammed Cartoons discussed (Where were you?)
Trey was at Disney World on honeymoon – thought it was them. I’m not Spartacus!

Family Guy and flowers from the Simpsons (God’s work).
You can’t show Muhammed.
(but they already had)
Isaac Hayes, Showtime and Trey leaves it to Matt

Isaac “calls them bigots ” – game on dude!
That’s not the Isaac we know…


Penn and Goudeau and Aristocrat Trey Parker are here.

Isaac story continued.
They don’t believe that the press release was his…
Isaac discussed.
Chocolate salty balls mentioned.

Music tastes discussed. Little Elton.
Cartman in college.

Mac King’s South Park Bootleg.
Trey and marriage.

Trey and Matt want to be producers (“they don’t have to do anything!”)

Team America problems – Goudeau on the last day!
What were you thinking?

Wishy washy movies and preachy fools.

“We got a letter from Sean Penn…”

Matt Damon loved it.
Penn – it’s funny that he’s smart.
Alec Baldwin voice rumor confirmed.

Tom Cruise and publicity.

Bob Dylan: “The highest purpose of art is to inspire” and South Park inspires Penn…

show ends

The Penn Jillette Radio Show July 18, 2006

Our humid host and the “secretTour de France star”, Michael Goudeau are here (though yesterday was a day off up in the mountains)…

NOW we get the Monkey Music
EZ made Monkey Tuesday Mugs (But she can’t use Penn’s name) for the team.

FCC and dung (and sex).
“Pops, they’re so much like us” mentioned again.

Gmails that we may hear today: Tea monkeys and Mickey Dolenz .

Halloween Monkey Tuesday mentioned. CBS juggling for IBM.

Monkey Tuesday and the Stem Cell Veto

Penn agrees with the veto but for completely opposite reasons.
Call in with your stem cell stories!

Jonesy’s joke

Caller Scooter (a very good name): JR Bob Dobbs.
Goudeau: Scooter is a good name for a monkey.
The SF zoo is the GITMO of the monkey world.
Chimp act ending in a gift for the audience.

Caller Rick: A Texan zoo story – escaped Gorilla shot.
Caller – Military monkey tale.

Caller Matt: Baby stem cell question. Statistics from the blood journal.


A screaching Penn brings us back to Monkey Tuesday
Flattered by research.
Ron Gomez and Auckland Tea Monkeys
Tea = water with colour in it.
Gmail Joan: Stem cells: The orthodox Jewish view.

Caller Andrew: His wife’s half monkey (Goudeau: Which half?). Lancelot Link discussed in-depth!
Penn’s Lancelot Link vs the sound man story.
“He’s marked you”!
Did Lancelot play bass in the Evolution Revolution?


Penn is spelt with two ‘n’s
Goudeau is still losing weight…
He’s eating while he rides.

Ron Gomez confirms Andrew’s facts.
Patrick has found Lancelot on myspace.

Caller Saj: Libertarianism vs Goverment research.
Penn has a minor (trillion dollar) disagreement.
Knowing your view is so extreme – you don’t have to worry about it.
Penn won’t argue with smart people.
Goudeau’s Burt Rutan argument.

Happy Jack makes a gesture.

Gmail Sharon: Canadian juggler story

Penn juggled on a unicycle for 23 miles.

No American love/friendship tales yet.

Caller Paul: Bronx zoo (pharmacy) story.

Gmail Steve: Monkey stem cells, please!

We still know jack!

Halloween Monkey Tuesday mentioned.

show ends…

The Penn Jillette Radio Show July 17, 2006

Penn Jillette is here, clicking away with Michael TdFGoudeau
Penn is famous!

Happy Jack doesn’t like to deviate.

WWIII is starting – Newt Gingrich said so!
Gilbert’s wife mentioned, compared to Einstein and Dawkins.

Goudeau’s cycling mentioned, he’s losing weight for Jesus.

Porky and The Fatwa

Tour de France update.
Monkey-screech-phonecall guy mentioned.

There are many nut points of view.
Arizona votinglottery.

“Who wants to be a millionaire? Vote!”

Penn wants fewer people to vote.
Whenever MTV tells you to do anything – don’t do it.
Why you shouldn’t vote.
Why you should vote for Kinky.

Caller Carly: Aptitude tests for voters. Penn agrees “spiritually” but otherwise disagrees.

Harry Browne quote.
10th Amendment
Penn likes the poll tax.
Goudeau is afraid…
Poll tax would make the lottery a good idea
Gmail Nick: Vote against incumbent!

Caller Pat: People should be informed. If people don’t vote, the incumbent would probably stay in office.
Penn: More parties and bass fishing.


Porky and The Fatwa return…
Elvis didn’t do no drugs

50c (not the rapper) to vote.
Australian aardvark vote.
Caller Dan: Poll tax – creation, uses and literacy tests.

Caller Jim: Vote Libertarian. Penn always does.

Caller Joseph (Goudeau’s choice): Campaign finance reform and the 17th Amendment.
Penn: money knows best.

Penn has to cut the guy off and feels bad about it all through the…


New York demotion.
Porky and The Fatwa return.
Goudeau is two-thirds of the way through the TdF

Gmail Shelby: Selling the vote and failing to vote Kerry
Gmail David: Nut POV and the stupid vote.
Caller Andrew: s m th ng wr ng w th th s c ll
Caller Brian (the right one): Disagrees with Penn’s views on finance reform.
Penn: What if I were pushing my opinion on my show vs a richer, less famous person?
Penn: 100,000 people running for president?
Brian wants Penn to use his show to overthrow the government.
Penn: Brian, that’s what I’m doing!

Caller Brian (the less smart one): Competing with the Crips and the Bloods. Brain thinks Penn should help to spread the wealth.

Things you shouldn’t turn over.

Caller Nick: Rebate for voting. Penn: Poll Tax?

Caller Mike: Presidential postcard. Penn likes the idea, but where’s the money?
15c * 200,000,000 = a lot.
Vote for Mike(33) in 2012!

Porky and The Fatwa will return on

Monkey Tuesday