The Penn Jillette Radio Show August 31, 2006

Penn kicked off of Minnesota Public


Show opens with full orchestra theme.

Penn in Minnesota, Goudeau is in Vegas.

In Minnesota, you can be outside for half an hour without passing out!

Penn got his ass thrown off public radio.

Penn’s play Love Tapes, written with Stephen Banks, opening in Minnesota.

Penn: If you’re not willing to be humiliated and pathetic, you don’t deserve to be in love!

Penn makes fun of MPR audience. Says “goddamned” and got cut off.

Penn gets “flashed” by female MPR host.

Penn & Teller tape of dental floss trick made just for their friends. Part of description dumped!

Hibbing, Minnesota: “Home of the Largest Open Ore Mine in the World … and home of Bob Dylan”.

Minnesota state fair. Has real sideshow.

No call-in topic today.

Penn hates Garrison Keillor.

Tomorrow: Bob freaking Saget live from LA!

Penn wearing a big, pink cowboy hat in vain.

Caller Mike: Huge fan of Howie Mandel. Why did he shave his head? Informs Penn that dental floss story got dumped off FreeFM.

Penn re-explains dental floss trick.


G-mail Amy: Anti-pledge-drive for NPR.

Penn’s “This I Believe” piece on NPR read by host. Penn felt like Lenny Bruce on trial.

Penn is very much in love with very large vegetables.

120 pound butter sculptures of Minnesota queens. Goudeau: “What?!”

Sock Monkey dress.

“Don’t give any money to NPR!”

Penn’s pink hat and angry Jesus.

Jams and jellies behind glass. Penn was so, so, terribly sad.

Poor Norman Borlaug’s spokesman is Penn. His press person sends Penn and Goudeau homemade jelly.

Penn wants giant melons.

Bonsai kittens.

Caller Matt: State fair milk bar. All the milk you can drink for fifty cents. Penn says it’s now one dollar.

Kids lining up to milk a cow.

Don’t give money to NPR.


Penn on Bill Maher tomorrow. Penn reviews questions.

What should Penn say?

Caller Matt: Bush is just a moron.

Penn: Is debating other countries one of the president’s jobs?

Caller Carl: Ask Maher to spell president of Irac’s name.

Caller Emily Jillette: Haven’t left yet. Having food-on-a-stick craving.

Caller Chris: Why should we care about debate between two religious fanatics? Being the nut is Penn’s job.

Caller Aaron: Eye for an eye. Penn: Christians today are buffet Christians.

Caller Timothy: Debate president of Irac with a shotgun.

Penn defends Conan doing plane crash sketch on Emmy awards.

More Maher questions.

The Penn Jillette Radio Show August 30, 2006

Jonesy’s Theme leads us into Wednesday’s show.
Penn Jillette and Michael Goudeau are here.
Penn lists the Aristocrats that have been on the show.

Special Guest: Howie Mandell
(ab)using the c-word

The new season of Deal or No Deal.

An hour with Howie Mandell.
Brando’s $1m challenge.

Pitching the show. Howie Mandell and a load of money.

Berlusconi and Pupo – “Take the lira!!”
A $5 win.
Hollywood Squares – celebrities you hate.

Monte hall problem

A chance of $1m or definite $250,000.
FBI & Armed guards.
Maxim models falling down.

Who wants to be a millionaire vs hosts salary.

$6,000,000 then back to the pitch…

Howie watches Pupo with his wife.
Danish guy in the basement.

Howie goes to South America.


The online game.
“Forcing” choices.

Torturing people with money.
A game, not a job.

Sammy’s stories.

Howie and Penn don’t like to be touched.
OCD and Howie in the toilet.
Howie and the fist.

Jay Leno meet and greet.

Peter Pitofsky no-licking clause.
Arsenio Hall.
Goudeau is Peter’s keeper.
Penn didn’t cower.

Licking discussed.


Goudeau isn’t addicted.
The disappointment of winning $25k

Surprises in the show.
Can’t see the sister for the models.
It’s your child!
Penn’s visual recognition problem.
Penn’s Mom.

Why I picked this case…
What Would Jesus Pick?
Losing your religion and more.

God or No God.

Christ can play all the gameshows.

Psychic contestant.

September 18th – Deal or No Deal

The Penn Jillette Radio Show August 29, 2006

Mike Jones’s Monkey Theme brings us into the show.

Penn Jillette is screeching here with Michael Goudeau

Goudeau is wearing a poker monkey t-shirt.
Penn’s myspace was sent a video of that monkey.

Monkey Tuesday: Hulk Hogan, Nasty Squirrel Monkeys and Big Pink Gay Apes

Monkey Tuesday rules laid down.

Caller Bo: Winning a monkey at the fair!
Penn wants to peak to Todd
Bo won a mean monkey.
Bonding with Quasimodo-frederick-king-kong-gibbon.
Doping the monkey.
If you love someone.
Destroying your view of mankind.

Todd on the line. or not.
Bo’s finger.
Todd back on the line – Animal give-aways.
Homing monkeys.
Giving away the same damn monkey…

Todd gets dropped
Paris Hilton bitten by her kinkajou.
Todd back: Todd pimps his show
Todd’s practical joke story.
Penn has an idea.
Todd’s driving chimp story.
Penn has another idea.
Arriving at the emmys/curing AIDS
Richard Feynman would have done it.

Todd may come out to LV.
Penn will have him on the show…


Penn in key/rhythm
Caller Dan: (Goudeau picked this call) Playmate of the Apes. Dan was the hot pink gay ape. Dan gives us the plot.
Dan is straight and happily married (got the job through his stand-up act)

Dan’s new movie is Kinky Kong – he has the title role.
Goudeau “Who’s your agent?”
Dan looks but doesn’t touch.
C3PO soundalike.
Goudeau goes through Dan’s resum?
Strictly softcore.
Penn is curious.
Penn isn’t listening.

Witchbabe story – Penn is happy again.


Penn is in key.
Penn on “sexy”

Caller Simon: Squirrel monkeys = hippy rent.
Given to zoo.
Nine months to get rid of the smell.
Goudeau: $3,000 per squirrel monkey.

Caller JD: Monkey proposition. Dog/snake/rooster/monkey punishment.
Hogan knows best – monkey.
JD wants Penn to recreate the monkey bag.
Penn recaps.
Goudeau makes a list:
Rock python, howler monkey, happy german shepherd and a fancy (exploding) chicken…

The Penn Jillette Radio Show August 25, 2006

Friday’s (thank Xenu!) show starts with Jonesy’s fast theme

Penn Jillette and Michael Goudeau are here. They’ve hired a new web guy.

The site from yesterday – you can click on them.
Beeping a Catholic term.

Ask Layperson Penn: Dating Advice and More!

Kinky was at the show last night – he may be governor.

Caller Mike(for president): The Sales Rep and the Receptionist.
Penn asks a blunt question, then asks for her number.

Patrick is absolutely right.
Penn does a Jim Cramer impression

Caller James: Asian girlfriend – home cooking.
Penn: Take your own inventory – make sure you’re in the right league.
Finding a stupid white girl or a fake boyfriend.
Dating for world peace.
Pretending EZ is Jewish.

Caller Joe: Gaming convention question – German board games discussed. Staying on the fringe is bad. Penn gives advice.


Caller John: A challenging question. New York Yankees advice (with help from Goudeau).

Caller Sal: A 20 year-old New Jersey actor seeks advice.

Caller Dave: (An off-topic note – Buzz Lightyear commercial) Movies to watch. Dawn of the Dead (original), Apocalypse Now, Last Tango in Paris, Real Life

Caller: A time for domestic violence…
Tape is from the past, back when Pluto was a planet.

Caller Tim(not Kim): Dating a girl too far away.
Penn suggests he may want to take a…


Shout out to Apple – the coco guys

Gmail Amy: Spectacles advice – Penn states his choice.

Caller Genna: Books? – Mezzanine, Atlas Shrugged, Moby Dick.
Penn gets creeped ut by adults reading kids books.
Doctor Baby.

Caller Kim: How many is too many children?
Kim likes Penn’s answer.
Goudeau’s answer.
Penn gives Kim’s husband ammunition.

Caller Brian: Frank Zappa – Miles Davis issue.

Caller Mike: (Prof. Penn) Pluto no longer a planet?
Arturo planet.

Mnemonics changed

Caller Tom: Tricky question – Penn sails through it

Gmail: Kinky lifestyle. Honesty with the kids. Penn wants pictures…

Remember – Penn doesn’t know what he’s talking about…

The Penn Jillette Radio Show August 24, 2006

Ladies’ choice: Plan B or Survivor


Show starts with full band theme, and confusion.

Penn plugs ‘special’ webpage.

Plan B available without prescription. Greatest name in the world.

Bartering for drugs.

‘Morning after’ drugs and statutory rape.

Caller Mike: Hung up.

Caller Ian: Girlfriend already got Plan B without prescription.

Happy Jack didn’t want this topic. Nobody disagrees.

Breaking things down by sex/race/religion.

Goudeau watches Survivor to look at real estate.

Bullshit! lost Emmy for ‘reality show’.

Goudeau: Everything’s gone horrible. Lost all calls.

Penn wanted to do a ‘barter night’ for Off Broadway show. Distribute tickets with everybody who works for show, and …

Penn cut off mid-sentence by commercials!

Show comes back for two seconds. Penn on phone: “Never better boss …”

More commercials!

<break>?? (Show playing over ads – can’t hear it well enough to make out)

Ad ends. Penn on phone talking with man about Survivor. Penn wants to see them naked, running around in the woods with a knife.


Happy Jack is very happy. They got only two calls on Plan B.

Some pharmacists refusing to give out morning after pills on moral grounds. Penn in favor of it if they own the store.

Caller Gary: Separation on Survivor is only for a few days.

Caller Eric: Reality shows have writers.

Penn: P&T; on Who Wants to Marry My Dad reality show. He was surprised they they filmed multiple takes. Scripted and directed as it went. Matt Stanek, their light man, did a reality dating show. They told Penn not to acknowledge the camera.

Penn: They should call it goddamned television.

Michael Johnson/Danny Salamander.

Caller Nick: Game shows are called reality shows.

Caller Ty: Pharmacist should go with medical definition of pregnancy, which makes Plan B pill morally okay. Penn agrees, but says it should still be legal for bad pharmacists to refuse to sell it.

Caller: John: Said something about gay sex and hung up.

Caller Michael: Pharmacists have government licenses, thus should sell all legal drugs. Penn says that’s a really good point. Kicks the ass of the point Penn was making, therefore it’s time for a …


G-mail: Laughs at argument that morning after pill makes people more promiscuous. We already have condoms.

Caller Michelle: Police officer, rape survivor. Can’t imagine not having the morning after pill option. However, government limiting freedom of choice is still wrong.

Penn is amazed when anyone says that a rape victim should be forced to have a baby.

Police officers have to enforce laws they may not agree with morally. She would quit rather than break her oath.

Penn wants Michelle for president.

G-mail: Plans A-Z.

Caller David: Supports pharmacist’s right to choose. Penn says this was his point of view before he was bitch-slapped.

Runs out of time, has to cut call short.

The Penn Jillette Radio Show August 23, 2006

Mike Jones’s theme Starts the show.
Penn Jillette with Michael Goudeau

Tom Cruise splits with Paramount
South Park and MI3

Michael Jackson
Melvin Gibstein

Who is the longest serving Crazy Celebrity?

Penn thinks maybe Sun Ra, but definitely Little Richard.
Penn invites users to name someone wilder than Little Richard.
Hollywood Squares editing.

Caller Mike: Robin Williams – Jonathan Winters. Mike’s cellphone!

Snakes in a studio.

Caller : Penn!

Dennis Hopper
Blue Velvet
Crispin Glover – not famous enough
Jerry Lee Lewis (or Jerry Lewis)
Woody Allen
Jerry Lee Lewis shot at Elvis
Shirley MacLaine endorsed by Dean Martin

Penn is annoyed by a cord (or a snake)

Caller Chris: James Brown – Liza Minnelli (her first film aged 3)
Penn mentions David Allen Coe

Penn wants everyone to stay on the line while we take a…


Penn “Little Richard” Jillette mentions Kathy Griffin’s Brother

Sunmer Redstone sacking Tom Cruise

Caller Will: John Denver was a sniper (Sorry Will, Snopes says “no”)
Caller Dean: (Regular caller, not Dino) Relative of Joe DiMaggio. Joe DiMaggio was stalked by Tom Cruise. (Goudeau confirms)
Dean’s friend will send in naked pictures of herself for Penn.

James Brown and Little Richard – Penn does a round-up
Warren Beatty is not phoning in to defend his sister
Caller Nancy: gary busey and tom sizemore (who was in P&TGK; and punches other guys, esp. Penn)
Mel Gibbon on Monkey Tuesday?

Penn as Tiny Tim in a bio-pic.
Penn recommends a youtube clip.


Penn thanks Dean.

Bob: Jacksons Baldwins Garlands Osmonds (Penn: Griffing, Arquettes)
Tad prediction.
Mary Todd Lincoln

Caller Shelby: Michael Jackson must be top of the list!
Penn: Phil Spector
Robert Blake!!!
William Shatner!!
James Spader’s take on Bill Shatner

Little Rascals rant.
Caller Gary: Ted Nugent, Howard Hughes (Paris Hilton in a man’s body) and Mickey Rourke (like Walken)

Caller Dave: Mia and Woody,

Penn: Mia is crazy in a sexy way.

Steve Martin and Drew Carey are not crazy.

Penn sums up …
Recaps why Tom Cruise isn’t doing well.

The Penn Jillette Radio Show August 22, 2006

Mike Jones’s Theme

Penn and Goudeau (keeping the whole world together)
Today is the day that the world is supposed to end.
Goudeau’s passport and getting into debt.

Monkey Tuesday: Firefighters, Monkey Noises & Smoking

Caller phones early.
Patrick jumping the gun.
Penn’s MySpace friends now number over 800
I’m mentioned again

Penn states the Monkey Tuesday Rules.

Premature caller James: Yesterday my Firefighter friend in Virginia… “Save my baby”
Outbreak (rhesus) monkey (RIP)

“There’s nothing funnier than a smoking monkey”

Kathy Griffin’s brother’s two monkey stories.

Ursula Martinezvideo
Vanishing hankie explained.

Caller Christine: Was on the internet last night – monkey namegenerator

Caller Flavia: Monkey noises (Penn is very excited)
Penn asks a question or two.
Monkey noises to monkey tuesday music

One more time as we go into the


Penn tries to imitate Flavia.
Penn’s Grandparents.
New rules for Goudeau.

Smoking Animal Story – Tom & Jerry blasted by OFCOM
“Texas Tom”
“Tennis Chumps”

Caller Glen: Names you call your daughter – “Moxie Tuesday”

Caller Dean: Uncle Tom & Jerry – racism in old movies. Integrity of teh stooges.

Caller Adam (Penn can’t see): Tom & Jerry – Jerry ain’t German!

Caller Blaire: Showbiz monkey story.
Flavia mentioned.
Hiring a monkey.
Penn wants it telling slow…

How to make the monkey scream into the microphone

Penn wants an mp3
What he gets is a…


Penn screeeeches us back in.
Flintstones – advert

Gmail Leo – corrections
CBC news – monkey walks upright

Caller Jos?: Smoking monkey story.
Caller Paul: Circus monkey story – sick monkey attack.
Firefighters (again).

The guys discuss the previous story.
Goudeau is accused of being anti-monkey. Penn says .com by mistake

MySpace is mentioned – So is Wikipedia

and that’s the end of another monkey Tuesday

The Penn Jillette Radio Show August 21, 2006

Monday’s show begins with Jonesy’s theme.

Penn is here with Michael Goudeau
They were on a prop charter flight last Friday.
Penn hosted the emmys.
The creative arts emmys – 4.5 hours
Goudeau: A long night.
They lost three times last night.

Does Anybody Watch Award Shows?
Featuring Kathy Griffin’s brother (twice).

Mrs Goudeau loves these things – Penn mocked her
Teller’s take on awards.
Penn and ANV porn awards – best categories.
Gary nominated – Penn “bored spitless”.

Are the Oscar parties excuses for parties.
Al Franken’s house.
Happy Jack’s tape recorder order.

Penn gives us some statistics.
Penn didn’t recognise Christina Ricci.

Caller Johnathan: AVN show with Jackie

Penn raves about Dylan. Johnathan talks about Billy.
Pillow biting.
Irving, Ron and Al.

After the show – “When Penn says thank you…”

Kathy Griffin’s skills
Paris Hilton

Penn lists the competition.
Kathy gesticulates.
Mr and Mrs Goudeau at the awards.


Penn lets us down gently
Starting down the road to loserdom

Caller Brandon: Questions the Richard Dawkins Award (which Penn & Teller won)
Penn congratulates the winners.

Caller John: Kathy Griffin’s brother – (Penn wanders: Steve and Gary back together/Tony Fitzpatrick/pizza)

Caller Bo: Beatles win an academy award.
Let It Be.
Paul and George bickering.
POV of McCartney.
What is Phil Spector doing?

Caller John(again): Annoyed about how Penn treats his sister (Kathy Griffin). John & Penn talk about Kathy. Penn uses his Eagles argument. Penn gets a little excited over ticket sales.

Penn’s mom story – proud.

Penn shows a lack of deep respect.
Goudeau talks about what happened at the show.
Patrick thinks Kathy Griffin is hot


Penn and Michael are here – despite Penn’s mike.

Mentioning Bulls.hit at the awards.
And the winner is . . .

Everybody has hung up.

Caller James: A hell of a day for the Penn Jillette Radio show. Regressions of the Mean
How can we top this show?
Penn: “Oh my God, the humanity!”
Penn tells James about the awards and losing.
Bacon and a Kiss Airlines.

Caller Lisa: Why she likes the Oscars and why didn’t John Stewart fight back. Lisa’s opinion.
Chris Rock & Sean Penn.

Teen awards – Britney & Kevin were awful.
Water Buffalo.
Is Lisa’s brother listening.

Tomorrow you should all go Monkey Crazy!

Penn is a loser…
….but tomorrow is Monkey Tuesday!!

The Penn Jillette Radio Show August 18, 2006

Jonesy’s theme
Penn Jillette and Michael Goudeau are here.
Penn lists the Aristocrats and introduces:

Special Guest: Drew Carey

Drew never even told the joke!
Drew told Robin Williams their joke.
JonBenet discussed, compared to OJ

Drew lectures America – Celebs must have an answer!
(snakes on a plane)

Aristocrats premier interview: “It’s not about the emmys”.

Drew’s recently got into Soccer and sports photography.
Oh, and some stand up.
The Luxor.
Nice Goudeau quip.
Luxor, banging your head and writing comedy.

Penn asks a personal question.

Drew is as hardcore as Penn!
Smoking: “I’m a believer in freedom brother!”
The drug war is insane.
Making bad people rich.

McDonalds at war.
Legalise everything!
The antibiotics issue.
The good old days of dope and Coca Cola.
Alcohol vs crystal meth.

Bulls.hit, AA and the FCC.
Penn wants to argue.
Drew and Penn discuss “the rules”

Janet Jackson – The free market at work.
Drew talks about freedom.


Drew Carey is hosting at the Luxor!
Drew: You can’t edit art.
Penn: You can if you own it.

Drew used to be pentecostal
Penn acts neutral.

Drew(aged 13) is saved!

But Drew can’t help but…
Ah, Drew can’t say the ‘M’ word on Free FM. (clue – self pleasure)
Penn: Europe vs Religious nuts.
Sin hot line.
Tell it slow.

Backsliding and National Lampoon (when it was cool)
Photo funnies with great breasts!

Drew: Hell is not real – it’s from Dante.
Satan is a mythology.
Penn: So is the bible.
Drew thinks there’s an energy.
Penn: God?
They discuss it during the…


Penn, Drew and Michael are here.
Goudeau is trying to talk!
Drew: get the chairman of the FCC on this show.

Penn doesn’t understand the FCC
Drew and Penn and the FCC
Bill Gates and a billion dollar president.

Doug Stanhope going into politics.
Cato makes you less popular
P J O’Rourke and Paris Hilton

Drew for president!

Getting your news from a guy at a porno convention.
Drew answers back.

“Strip-club-loving Drew Carey”

Penn: “You would pick Drew Carey”
Penn wants to know why there are so many bastards in celebrity land.
Drew: Everyone hates hypocrisy!
Penn likes some hypocrisy.

Goudeau throws in a Melvin Gibstein reference.

Drew put his foot in it

Muslim improv story.
Slamming Paris every night.
Having sex with Paris Hilton.

Drew gets Penn to defend Paris Hilton!!

Wonderful show guys!