The Penn Jillette Radio Show April 20, 2006

– Penn got no sleep last night, so he’s emotionally fragile. But because he wasn’t out drinking, he doesn’t have the bloodshot eyes to prove it.

– He was reading in the bathtub. Parasite Rex by Carl Zimmer.

– Penn read all about parasites and diseases, in the hopes of falling asleep. Blood flukes are scary little bastards.

Malaria could be solved by using DDT, except the US doesn’t want to use it.

Blood Fluke Thursday!

– Happy Jack brought in some glazed raspberry donuts, favourites of Elvis. Speaking of whom, Elvis was so crazy, he would put teenaged girls in white panties and watch the wrestle. How crazy!

– Even after not shaving for 4 days, Penn’s face is softer than Moxie’s ass.

– Penn is from New England. His folks never had a drink in their lives, though he never heard anything about drink or drugs. Even though his classmates were all drinking and dropping acid, he decided against it.

– “You look younger than we though you would. Have you lost weight?” – what everyone says when they meet Penn.

– Penn got his wisdom teeth pulled at “Tooth & Go”, and he was hopped up on sodium pentathol. Driving home from the office, Penn was trying to rip off his girlfriend’s clothes, and ripping out the bloody wadding from his mouth and putting it on her face. Clearly he didn’t know what is what like to be high.

– If you’re over eighteen, you should be doing something important with your life. But if you’re under eighteen, you should be experimenting with drugs and alcohol, and getting it out of your system.

– 2:18pm BREAK –

– Penn is brittle today.

– Penn did a show in NY, and met with Mia Farrow who was doing a play at the same time (Exonerated). He asked her if she had been to Las Vegas. She said, “Yes, when I was married to Frank Sinatra”. Oh yeah.

– Penn got to talking about transcendental meditation, and how it was bullshit. She replied that she was hanging out with the Maharishi.

– Mia Farrow said that Sinatra wanted her to wear long wigs, so people wouldn’t think she was a little boy.

– The Boston archdiocese has paid out $150M, and reported a $8.3M loss last year. To combat that, communion will now cost $1 per wafer, $1 per shot of wine.

– Mumps is sweeping the midwest, especially at colleges. The kids will be given the chance to finish up their binge drinking.

Robert Goddard, “It is IS rocket science!”

– The President’s staff changes will not change his efforts towards the war on terror. Osama will change his cave cleaner, to keep up.

– The CDC reports that people with arhtritis will get less excericise… People with no teeth don’t floss.

– 558 prisoners being held in Gitmo have been named. They received Pottery Barn catalogs the next day.

– After the break, Penn will decide who will be watching the Lennon seance!

– 2:35pm BREAK –

– What the winner will get: limo ride to the Slammer, a tour around the house, a couple dozen donuts from Krispy Kreme, $100 to gamble, tickets to P&T; and Lance Burton.

– But first, a gmail from Lex: He hates his name Alex so much, he tries to go by Lex, but his friends just call him Al.

– Another gmail: Penn should name his next kid “Screw DaMedia”.

– Gmails for Lennon: Dave was raised by devout mormons, can play guitar, and lives in Vegas… Nicholas: no honky tonk badonkadonk

– Call from Scott: He’s in Baltimore, and would be willing to drive there. But it’s too stupid to waste your time on it.

– “Dave”, what’s in a name? Most Daves should have been named “Dick”.

– Gmail from Garrett: He is a skeptical bastard, and not afraid to make fun of Lennon. He’s the winner!

– And the runner up is John Lennon, based mainly on his name.

– Be nice to everyone, and see you tomorrow!

– 2:54pm END –

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