The Penn Jillette Radio Show September 29, 2006

Special Guests: Lewis Black and John Bowman

Panties rarely thrown at comedians and magicians (or people with glasses).

Penn’s trained grasshopper at the MGM.

John: Yawning, hat-stealing, Montecore-like dog.

Lewis: The horror of crickets in theater. Penn: No one else notices.

Tom Jones in concert. What a man is supposed to be!

Johnathan Ross terrorized by Tom Jones.

Lewis: Plays MGM three weeks a year. Hard to resist drinking and gambling in Vegas.

Penn’s parking space is ten yards from dressing room. Never sees the casino or strip.

Before building his house, Penn would just sit in his room and read. Won’t watch TV when on the road. Read or sleep only choices when friends aren’t around.

Goudeau: Used to go out with dancers after his show.

Lewis has John, but not the dog.

John: Paul Newman posed with the dog.


Penn pirate radio.

Black: New magician in New York: Eric Walton. Ricky Jay livid over the new guy stealing his language style.

Penn: Everybody steals in magic and comedy. Everybody in show business has a magic act and sells real estate.

Black: It’s all in the delivery system. Penn: It’s all in everything. So much is your style. Ricky has a very strong style. If somebody else is doing something similar in their act, P&T; cut it immediately.

Lewis Black is hard to rip off.

Difference between Penn and Lewis Black.

Black & Bowman at the MGM until Tuesday.

Penn: Vegas used to pay entertainers in chips. Had to keep performing to work off gambling debts.


Penn: Comics often put on opening acts that suck.

Lewis: You’ve got to go on the road with somebody you know, or you’ll lose your mind.

Penn: You pick crew guys based on which strip clubs they want to go to.

Lenny Bruce tribute.

Penn Wants to hear comics doing covers.

Gilbert, Provenza, and Penn did a couple covers at a benefit.

Lewis memorized “Who’s on First?”

Penn: Who’s the brains in comedy teams.

Lewis in new Robin Williams movie: Man of the Year. Big role.

Working with Christopher Walken.

Lewis didn’t know Robin Williams before this.

Never enough naked women in movies.

Jon Stewart is the most loved person in news.

Differences between Jon Stewart and Johnny Carson.

Penn: Please write “Penn says hi” on panties and throw them at Lewis Black!

The Penn Jillette Radio Show September 28, 2006

Indian e-Tutors

Penn just saw a clip of Stevo that wasn’t allowed in Jackass II.

Penn, Goudeau, and Stevo all graduated from clown college.

Reuters article: California mother found cheap online tutor in India. Company called Tutorvista.

$100 a month, unlimited hours.

Penn couldn’t handle the accent.

Goudeau, the juggling forest ranger.

Penn: “Why do we need public schools?”

Penn learned nothing in public school. Hated every minute of it.

Penn does calculus.

School for social reasons. Cruel and artificial.

Caller Brian: Scared to send daughter to public school, but can’t home school her himself. Looking for affordable options.

Penn: No Child Left Behind holding everybody back. Doing everything by committee. Impact of internet on the future of schooling. Everything that everybody does means nothing.

Caller Chris: Tutor in New Jersey. Kids complain they can’t understand their teachers.

Penn: Tutoring is one-on-one, so you’d be able to correct that right away.

Caller Scott: Public schools constantly changing curriculum for government grants. Daughter taught to spell three different ways.

Penn (aka Thomas Jefferson): “Better to be uneducated than be educated by the government.”

Penn’s school used students as guinea pigs for experimental teaching programs.


Mike Jones on the cover of Vegas Weekly magazine.

G-mail: Public education is not expensive. Outsourcing stealing jobs.

Penn: Public schooling is expensive. Penn’s bias.

G-mail: Social interaction learned in school.

Penn’s horrible experience.

Caller Matt: Educational consultant. There’s never been a golden age of education. Social interaction important, but the school set-up is unnatural. Outsourcing doesn’t bother him. Global economy.

Penn: Likes having friends of different ages with different problems.

Penn has friends that feel strongly about buying all-American.

Caller Patrick: Wall St. Journal article about college dropout becoming video game tutor.

Caller Colin: Working on masters in education. Standards for education in New York are higher than ever. Worried about outsourcing to foreigners who might have lower credentials to teach.

Penn: Tutoring is in addition to regular school. Having it full time is Penn’s nut point of view.


G-mail: Board with the tutor!

Caller Frank: Has three kids. Has no problem with public school. How dumb are we that we can’t teach our own children? Against all outsourcing.

Penn: Low-priced tutoring is pro-American. Choice between affordable tutoring and none.

Caller Paul: Went to several schools, then was home schooled. Home schooling was by far the best experience. Self-teaching. People learn how much, or how little, they want. School not good for socializing.

Penn left high school, and sneaked into college classes.

Caller Frank: Teacher. Agrees with Penn. Illiteracy so high, they had to invent a new way to grade tests: “Organic” method. Kindergarten is just about socialization.

Tomorrow: Lewis Black, Lewis Black, Lewis Black, Lewis Black, Lewis Black.

The Penn Jillette Radio Show September 27, 2006

What’s on Teen’s Chests?

Yesterday’s poker game proved it was a game of skill, not chance (i.e. Penn didn’t do so well).

Washington Post article about kids wearing sexy-text t-shirts.

When Penn was in high school, he could wear any shirt he wanted. He thinks that’s how it should be.

Students having less sex these days, according to poll.

We want to keep our kids two-years-old for the rest of their lives. We will fail.

Caller Brandon: T-shirt inspectors.

Caller Tony: Little brother suspended for t-shirt.

Caller Paul: “Drunk girls dig me” t-shirt.

Yesterday’s poker game for NBC. Winning was not an option. Penn did outlast one big, big pro.

Caller Lisa: Nephew’s “got milf” t-shirt.

Penn lost the call.

License plates with internet abbreviations.

French Connection UK

Caller Billy: Friend with “virgin” t-shirt suspended. Michael Jackson shirt revenge.

Caller Jay: Daughter wears these shirts all the time. Never has a problem in Vegas school.

Devil sticks.

Penn: “It’s a technique!”
Goudeau: “It’s a prop!”

Every December, Penn & Teller give tickets for blood donations.


G-mail Emily Jillette: Their kids have suggestive phrases on their bibs.

G-mail Will: Shirt banned, graphic essay allowed.

Caller John: T-shirts can be a distraction in a learning environment. Penn distracted by anybody with XY chromosomes.

Penn: Women in slutty clothes more multi-faceted.

Penn: Exploring different self-images in adolescence.

G-mail: “Melts in your mouth, not in your hands” justified t-shirt.

Caller Steve: Glowing Manson shirt.

Penn: T-shirts making an intellectual point. You learn a lot from t-shirts.

Goudeau: “It’s a slow-motion political debate.”

Jackass II leaves David Blaine in the dirt. Penn is in awe of them, and would never get near them on a bet!


Penn has gotten in trouble for wearing “No God” shirt. Trying to start a dialogue.

Caller Annie: “Mounds” t-shirt in the early 1970’s. Second comment dump-buttoned!

Penn: Nothing has changed.

G-mail Mae: Army hubby not allowed to wear shirt with USSR symbol. She wears it as a celebration of freedom.

Caller Chad: “Jesus died for his own sins” t-shirt.

Caller Juliet: MySpace ad. “Always time for a quickie”. Penn: Double entendres everywhere.

Caller Rachel: Fairfield Union “FU” t-shirts. Penn wants one.

Caller Ron: Girl with eyes-on-breasts t-shirt.

Caller Nick: Hoodie “security” shirt.

G-mail Emily Jillette: Poker site has results already up, so it’s okay for Penn to admit he lost half a million dollars.

The Penn Jillette Radio Show September 26, 2006

Special guest: Phyllis Diller

Penn couldn’t sleep last night, he was so excited.

Phyllis was an inspiration to Penn’s mom.

Old-boys club of stand-up comedy.

Phyllis started as a copy writer in San Fransisco. She wrote funny ads.

First time on stage. Developing her persona.

Power on stage.

Mom influence.

Getting from Ohio to San Francisco. Husband encouraged her to go on stage.

Movie Goodnight, We Love You coming out soon. Won first prizes at three film festivals. Phyllis and P&T; in movie.

P&T; saw her on her last tour. She owned the room.

Phyllis Diller Live From Los Angeles.

Tiny Tim on YouTube. Penn remembers Tiny’s wedding. Phyllis was invited. Most watched Carson show.

She hosted Tonight Show once. It was a mess.

Many comics are musicians. Phyllis started piano at age three. Played with a hundred major symphonies from age 70-80. Sang in two Broadway shows.

Played Vegas in the 1950’s. Every major room. Fought to have Rich Little as opening act once.


Penn remembers going to Phyllis’s house to shoot her footage for The Aristocrats.

Phyllis’s dress designer. Some of her dresses are in the Smithsonian Institute.

Penn talks fashion. Phyllis loves the Penn & Teller grey suits.

Comics that Phyllis loves.

Meeting Elvis. Never met the Beatles. Met George Harrison in Australia.

Bob Hope took Phyllis under his wing.

Writing her own material.

Phyllis paints as a hobby. Penn one of her favorite customers.


Penn’s favorite painting by Phyllis: “And now …”


Book: Like A Lampshade in A Whorehouse. (She didn’t pick the title).


Phyllis was very close to Liberace.

P&T; meeting Liberace and giving him a rhinestone-covered P&T; t-shirt. Treated Penn’s parents like royalty.

Phyllis is too ‘frugal’ to pay for a museum about herself.

Working with Jack Benny.

Lot of mama’s boys and girls in showbiz.

List of comics Phyllis has worked with.

Dean Martin didn’t need to rehearse. Phyllis didn’t get to see Martin and Lewis work together live. Why they broke up.

Phyllis quit her job to become a comic. Boss offered her a “leave of absence”.

Teller’s one-year leave of absence from his job as a tenured Latin teacher.

The Penn Jillette Radio Show September 25, 2006

Cynical Monday: Was Clinton Faking It?

Monkey Tuesday not over forever, but tomorrow Penn is going to interview Phyllis Diller (pre-recorded). Penn’s playing poker tomorrow for TV show ‘Pros vs Hotties’ (or something like that). Penn playing for himself – not charity.

Video of Bill Clinton vs Chris Wallace on Fox News. Penn thinks it was all rehearsed. Goudeau not sure.

Difference between Clinton & Bush.

Penn & Goudeau want to be punched by an ex-president.

Boingboing article: “Secure your checked bags, fly with a gun”.

Caller Joe: Doesn’t think Clinton was really angry.

Penn: Being cynical about the cynics.

Caller Jim: Clinton was very angry. Confronting him with the truth.

Penn: The writing for next season of Bullshit has just started.

Caller Jeff: Clinton got angry when accused of causing current mess that Bush has made.


LOD says everything a politician says is planned, no exceptions.

Caller Aaron: Clinton was ready for it. Prepared, but not scripted. Penn: Scripted, and really well acted.

Caller Daniel: Thinks Clinton was actually angry, but happy for a chance to blow up. Penn: Emotions in acting can be very real.

Penn: Fox isn’t that conservative.

Caller Scott: Clinton got sandbagged. We’re arm-chair quarterbacking.

Penn: Clinton would never think it’s okay to flip out.

Caller Steve: Clinton flipped out for a good reason.

Penn: On Clinton’s side for what he did, but getting angry as a tool is misleading.

Penn’s hero Keith Dennis of Dennis Mitsubishi in Ohio. Making fun of Jihad and Fatwa is terrific and perfectly American!


G-mail Aaron: What if Penn was on a show with Uri Gellar? Fox’s methods are obvious. Penn agrees.

G-mail: Clinton’s finger-wag.

G-mail: The clip was fan-TASTIC. Body language.

Caller Paul: It wasn’t planned. Clinton ranting and raving.

Caller Mike: Hilary doesn’t need Bill’s support. Penn disagrees. Mike turns off pay-service to listen to Penn!

Caller Tom: Al Franken needs Penn to save Air America. Clinton & Pope joint statement. Clinton points and squints.

Clinton should have gone after Saddam. Oil for food. Penn a little lost.

Goudeau singing.

Caller Mike (super duper): It was set up, but Clinton went overboard.

Penn’s great aphorisms.

Phyllis Dillar was at Tiny Tim’s wedding. Tomorrow, Penn asks why! Monkey Tuesday will be back a week tomorrow. In the meantime, read about gorilla race in London.

The Penn Jillette Radio Show September 22, 2006

Friday’s show starts with Mike Jones’s theme.

Penn Jillette and Michael Goudeau are here with…

Special Guest: DennisMiller

SNL – the bad year…
Jon Lovitz and Weekend Update
Dennis did six years at SNL.

Dennis Miller is a Libertarian!!
Humiliation is okay with Penn.
Waterboarding discussed.
Meeting the troops.

Vietnam kids, radical islam and the Pope
People on the left get cranky.
Penn at the Kerry booth.
“Here’s the real deal…”

Poking fun at Bush… immigration & gay marriage.
Admiring Bush and being scared of Cheney
Chavez and Ahmadinejad.

Religions discussed – Batman in Egypt
Hilary and Bill
Something to tell the grandkids.

Goudeau speaks! Oh it’s the


Dennis missed Penn’s voice – don’t smoke!
Selling waterless cookware at fairs.

Dennis starting in Pittsburgh.
SNL audition.
The kid who makes it…

Lorne Michaels, Wall Street and being fired by CNBC

Himalayas with Hanks and the Tiger’s Lair (Takstang) – Vampire kid!

Safari on the Serengeti

Missing places on the road…
Penn in a round room.


Pictures: Tiger’s Lair and vomiting on a monkey!
One monkey trick…

Dennis and Dana in Vegas
Johnny Carson
Monday Night Football – Niche career

Faking it at the MTV Music Awards
Pausing for translation and drugs & telethons.
Jerry talks to the drug dealers
Jerry, Frank and the Mob!

Dennis doesn’t want Penn to plug his shows – he was just glad to be there, talking to Penn…

The Penn Jillette Radio Show September 21, 2006

Sex-selection, and “Shut up, Chavez!”

The whole gang is back from vacation.

Embryonic sex-selection.

Penn and Emily didn’t choose the sex of their first child, though they should have.
Nut point of view: Let people do what they want.

Chavez calling Bush “the devil”. Rep Rangel of New York: Only Americans can criticize our president.

Goudeau: Immigrants taking jobs away from us! It’s our job to call the president names!

Caller Julie: It’s more exciting to find out sex of baby by chance. Penn: It’s a pot-shoot. Julie’s mom had five boys before having one girl. If she could have chosen, she probably would have had a girl sooner.

Survey confirms that more Americans want “designer babies”. IVF is not a risk-free technique. Published in Medical Journal of Fertility and Sterility. Penn: Good name for an act.

Caller Garfield: Chavez has some grapefruits (and is an idiot) to come to our country and diss the president.

Goudeau: Have a nation-wide “shut up!” moment for Chavez.

Caller Grey Wolf: American indian. Likes Chavez. He gives discounted oil to indian reservations. Penn: Giving you stuff doesn’t make him morally right.

Penn: We’ve got Sean Penn to insult the president.

Technically, Chavez wasn’t on American soil.


Mike Jones is on the cover of Las Vegas Weekly this week. Most talented piano player in the world today. (Note: This week’s issue isn’t up on their website, yet).

Caller Pam: Sonagrapher. No problem with choosing sex of baby, as long as they choose the healthiest embryo. People place too much importance on sex of baby. Penn and Emily had a rule not to do that. If people really annoy her, she says she can’t tell the sex even if she knows.

Goudeau: People don’t have any concept that something could be wrong with their baby.

Patients are more guarded with Pam because she doesn’t have kids. Penn wonders if she’s reading them wrong. She insists.

No diagnostic need for a 3-D picture.

If mom doesn’t want to know sex, nobody gets to know.

Penn asks if she’s ever seen a hermaphrodite.


Penn plugs Penn Jillette MySpace group.

G-mail Emily Jillette: Remembers husband at IVF clinic who only wanted a male, and refused to save any female embryos.

Caller Alan: Designer babies are an unnecessary science. Slippery slope. Too many males in China.

Penn: The problem with that was limiting the number of children. Freedom is always the answer. Good research comes out of it.

Alan: The natural way is better.

Penn: That includes horrible disease. The only slippery slope is loss of freedom.

Caller Sal: Sounds like 1984. Why don’t we take care of kids in foster homes first?

Penn points out Goudeau has two adopted children.

Caller Brendon: If eugenics is regulated by the government, there’s nothing wrong with it at all. Parents would only choose positive traits. Theft and murder can be passed down genetically.

Penn: Even finding a single trait for eye color is very, very difficult. People are imagining we can do way more than we actually can.

Penn: Technology is always good.

Caller Roy: Was too afraid to choose sex of child via IVF. Penn, too.

Tomorrow: Dennis Miller. Penn excited.

The Penn Jillette Radio Show September 20, 2006

Pledge of Allegiance: Who Gives A Good


Story: Freeport, TX. Chris Baker, newsradio talk show host, calling for firing of Velasco Elementary school principal Williams. Six or seven parents said pledge of allegiance to Mexican flag during school celebration of Mexican Independence day.

Penn’s “nut point of view” question: Should we have a pledge of allegiance at all?

We show more love learning the intellectual principles that our country is based on than memorizing a pledge.

Pledge was written by a Christian socialist. Felt this was a way to achieve a socialist society. Published in Youth’s Companion magazine.

Goudeau: If people tried to take it out of schools, there’d be a huge protest.

Caller Freddie (giggling like Goudeau): Doesn’t see what’s wrong with having a pledge of allegiance. What one learns as a kid doesn’t matter. We make our own decisions as adults.

Penn: “Who gives a good goddamn?”

Caller Jose: Likes the meaning of the pledge. People being there for people. Sense of unity and equality. Also wonders why Muslims don’t “laugh off” insults.

Caller Brandon: The principal was just trying to expose his students to other cultures. Pledge is about what you believe in and stand for.

Penn: Atheists defending “under god”.


Brian Koppelman invited Penn to bit Ocean’s 13 shindig. Goudeau’s invitation lost in the mail. Penn explains “Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.”

Caller Shane (brilliantsexgod): Pledge is just words to kids at that age. Subliminal messages don’t work.

Caller Chuck: Let’s not say Mexico’s pledge and they not say ours. Penn happy.

Caller Scooter (in Texas): Explains the “much, much funnier” background of the story. Sang Yellow Rose of Texas after pledge in elementary school. Song has racial references. Penn doubtful, Goudeau Googling.

Caller Joe: The principal’s choice was bad timing, considering immigration issues in Texas.

Penn: “Buffalo, buffalo, buffalo …”

Goudeau: “Badger, badger, badger …”


Friday: Dennis Miller. May or may not take calls.

Penn and Goudeau dig into meaning of Yellow Rose of Texas. Caller was right.

Caller Robert: Daughter was in Christian daycare for six months. They said Christian pledge to a flag with a cross on it. Daughter laughs about it now.

Penn: Private schools can do what they want.

Caller Filbert: Pledge is a necessity. Kids don’t understand, but on a subconscious level it instills morals. The majority of the country is Christian, so the reference to god should stay in. He’s okay with anything the government says.

Penn: Nothing about individual morality in the pledge. Discusses original wording. Individual ideas and culture.

Goudeau thinks kids should recite Bill of Rights instead.

Penn loves the beauty of the original idea where nobody is above the law and you protect the nuts. His allegiance to that is strong. Doesn’t need a pledge.

The Penn Jillette Radio Show September 19, 2006

Monkey Tuesday: “A Monkey Bit Off My Nipple!”

International Talk Like A Pirate Day – doesn’t play into Penn’s skill-set.

Billy West’s practical joke on Penn.

Caller President Mike: (Trying to do pirate voice. Penn & Goudeau can hear him, but no audio coming through on the show. Penn said he sucked, anyway).

Caller Michael: Six Flags, New Jersey. Woman needing to be sick in back seat rolls down window … *dialtone* (Jack loses the call). Goudeau researches food poisoning. He’s back! Woman starting to be sick out window – and vomits on baby monkey!!

Penn: New kink!

Penn gets Patrick on phone to complain about cluster-freak by Patrick’s replacements while Patrick is on vacation.


“Jesus Christ puking on a monkey!”

Caller Ali (made Happy Jack scream): Beginning of call is dump-buttoned for saying “six words” that got Penn very excited (I believe it was “A monkey bit off my nipple”). Feeding baby spider monkey with a baby bottle. Baby monkey switches from bottle to one of her “large, 44D” breasts. Won’t let go. Husband unhooks her bra (Penn orgasmic). Scared monkey bites down.

Penn: More after the …


New York just informed Penn about hitting dump button on Ali’s call. Penn summarizes call thus far.

The amazing Goudeau found a photo online of an Indian woman breast feeding a monkey (see next post)!

Ali had to go to emergency room with monkey, because monkey still has a chunk of Ali in its mouth. Penn: Greatest moment of his life. Zoo director tries to bill them.

Ali defends monkey like Roy , and still bottle-feeds monkeys at petting zoos.

Penn is soooooo happy. No more calls today. This could be a fine show to end Monkey Tuesday. Finish on a high note.

The Penn Jillette Radio Show September 18, 2006

The triumphant return of Michael Goudeau!

(and talking about the Pope)

Shuttle launch was great.

Penn one-upped at his last shuttle launch.

First Muslim woman in space. Space tourist. Penn could be biggest (naked) man in space.

The Pope reading quote about Mohammad and half-assed apology.

Penn agrees with the Pope on mostly everything (except religion).

Why don’t religions pit their gods against each other instead of fighting themselves?

Caller Stewart: All Muslims are not terrorists. Where are the peaceful ones during all this?

Caller Michelle: What’s happening around the world is re-enforcing what the Pope said.

Penn: Attack verbally and logically. Bulls Hit on Mother Theresa (ripped-off Christopher Hitchen’s book). They got a couple of nut letters, but mostly calm, logical debate. If religion demands violent response, what do you do about it?

Revenge against stingrays redux.

Goudeau hung out with magician Rich Purpura on Disney cruise. Hidden Mickeys.

Caller Ahmed: Feels bad that nun was (reportedly) attacked. Muslims believe in Jesus as a prophet. Moderate Muslims not going crazy.

Penn: American Muslims seem to have American point of view.

Terrorists on 9-11 were wealthy and well-educated.

Ahmed: Extreme element has wiped-out moderate element in most Muslim countries.


Happy Jack tells Penn not to tell people he’s hanging up on them.

Letter: Radicals insult their own gods by playing god. Sinead O’Connor was boycotted for insulting Pope.

Penn: The amount of religious violence in our country very small.

Caller George: Greek Orthodox – usually doesn’t agree with Pope. Byzantine emperor that the Pope quoted was debated in his own time, not attacked.

Caller Tim: Violent-phase in religion? Islam is younger than Christianity. Maybe going through religious adolescence.

Caller Mark: Not so much the religion as the contemporary leaders they follow. Sister offended by adolescent-religion theory.

Penn: Sometimes passion is labeled political correctness.


Greatest day for children of all time. FDA has said that no one can eat spinach!

Letter from Hal: Americans don’t read the Koran. It calls for fighting against all non-believers.

Caller Edmond: Islamic society isn’t quicker than American to react with violence. America was too quick to attack Irac. Terrorism is reprisal for centuries of western, corporate oppression.

Penn: It may be time to call Banefshah.

Caller Mike: Everybody can argue that what they do is reprisal for past wrongs. High time we hold Islams accountable for their actions. Penn: World police not a viable solution.

Penn: Muslims attacking other Muslims.

Caller another Mike: The more America gets involved in this stuff, it gets in more trouble. Total isolation. Look out for number one.

Penn: Move Israel to the U.S. Let anybody who believes in non-violence and the marketplace of ideas live here.